


There's a New Kind of Poison and It's Starting to Spread

by Belsehen



Series: Fuck butterflies in my stomach, you made flowers bloom in my heart [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: #medicinestuff, Allura knows how to perform a sergury, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Blue Paladin Allura (Voltron), Denial of Feelings, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Descriptions of Violence just in case, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, I Had to ask my doc friend a lot of terms, Intense, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is So Done, Keith (Voltron) still pilots Red, Lance (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance refuses to admit keith had a name and calls him jerk, M/M, Minor Character Death, No One Is Okay, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Psychological Trauma, Red Paladin Lance (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) never went missing, Shiro is a wreck, Shit goes down in this chapter, Tags May Change, Teen Angst, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trauma & Experience, Unrequited Love, You've heard of Keith (Voltron) is bad at feeling now get ready for, a Tad of fluff, a n g s t, also that one time at the lab we opened a heart lol, and a mess, angst with an ending, cliffhanger lol, descriptive internal bleeding, i angst, i dont fluff, i never thought biology notes would actually be usefull, if you call chapter four fluff, kinda gore, mystical lion bonds, not exactly violence, so does coran
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 12:25:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14237256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belsehen/pseuds/Belsehen
Summary: Red was the first to notice her paladin was not okay.A few days later Keith finds himself unable to focus and form Voltron due to an awful cough that makes him choke on what seems a bunch of red petals.It's not a contagious disease, Keith learns; yet he only gains this knowledge when he and Pidge make some research on 'coughing petals'. Hanahaki Disease, a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies."So? Lance?" asked Pidge bitterly, burning holes in the book with her eyes."What?! No way!" Keith even flinches, almost falling off his chair."Allura? Hunk? Shiro? Coran? Me? Someone on eart─"Keith's blush gives him away."It's Shiro, isn't it?" she asks carefully, wishing this was a joking matter."Whatever."





	1. How Do You Run From Your Own Mind?

**Author's Note:**

> Titles were taken from [ Antidote ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXpjUePKFGk)

Red was the first to notice her paladin was not okay.

Something about Keith was off, had been off for the past weeks. Every time he went erratic in battle Red could feel it, the pain shimmering in his bones and the fear surrounding his heart, the way his chest ached for every day it became even more difficult to breathe as time passed. The mess in his head that Red could not begin to understand or unfold; Keith had many walls up and he wasn't even aware some of those walls left him on the side of ignorance, little he knew about his emotions, all bottled up and untagged, causing chaos to unravel every single time the red paladin closed his eyes.

Red first noticed it after they were rescued by Allura, Coran, and Pidge. Something was playing tricks with Keith's head, leaving him lost in a maze of emotions he never cared to recognize. And with that confusion came the first attack; while he slept, he suddenly woke up, an awful ache in his lungs and the sensation of being choked from the inside were destroying him, leaving him defenseless, breathless, unknowing. 

They were battling a galra fleet when Keith got so angry he shut down all his coms, deciding to ignore Shiro's orders and just tear apart every ship he saw.

"I just don't get it! Why the fuck would Shiro want me to lead Voltron! I don't even lead my own life!" He dodged an ion canon's ray, turning around and using Red's jaw to bite it off. "Half of the time I just," he took an evasive maneuver, passing right through five exploding ships without getting a scratch. "ask him for advice; and," he rammed himself against a dozen ships, anger dripping off his voice. "the other half I JUST FUCKING TAKE THE WORST DECISIONS EVER!" He yelled, shooting Red's beam and eliminating everyone in his sight. 

He could feel Red trying to comfort him, to understand what he was going through, but it just made him even angrier.

"Why does he always talk like he is not going to stay with us! Does he want to leave?"

Suddenly he was choking, something stuck in his throat not allowing him to breathe. Keith moved his hands towards his throat as if choking himself would make the inner blockade go away. He arched back, gasping, trying to breathe but it seemed impossible. Something stung inside him, like a little needle piercing his throat and lungs. 

Keith coughed so hard his chest ached like he was just punched by a giant in the stomach, the little air he still had being instantly knocked out.

He blacked out for a few seconds due to the lack of oxygen, glassy eyes unfocused and droplets of blood staining Red's floor going unnoticed. 

_Focus._

Red growled, Keith's anger canalized through it. 

"I don't have what it takes to fulfill his request! I. AM. NO. ONE.!" With a final blast, he was able to eradicate those ships who had managed to evade his erratic attacks from earlier. 

He was breathing heavily, brow furrowed and hands holding to tight on Red's controls. Every muscle in him was tense and every cell was filled with anger. And no matter how Red tried to help him, Keith only managed to self-destruct even further.

"Keith? What the hell was that?" asked Shiro over the coms.

When had he reopened the channel? He hadn't─Pidge probably hacked him.

"Fighting," he answered dryly, refusing to regroup with his teammates, instead he did a perimeter check to make sure no galra was still around.

"Keith, come back to the castle," Allura's voice commanded over the coms.

It made him angrier.

"No."

"Excuse me?" Allura sounded offended, if not angry.

"Will you shut up for a minute?!" he yelled.

When Allura was about to reply, he took his helmet off and threw it, not caring where it landed as long as he didn't have to listen to the rest of the team for a while.

He flew around the planet twice to make sure there were no remains of the galra when Shiro's concerned expression appeared on the left part of his panels. Keith avoided eye contact, or even recognizing the other's presence at all.

"Keith, what's wrong?" Shiro asked.

Keith glanced to his left discretely, seeing how Shiro's brow frowned in concern and he had that look in his eyes. That look that meant he was worried, that he wanted to help, that he was literally begging Keith with only his eyes to let him in. Of course, Shiro would realize he wasn't acting like his usual self. The motherfucker knew him and read him like a book.

Keith snorted.

"Fuck off."

At first, Shiro looked hurt, eyes wide and mouth hanging open and then he simply pressed his lips together in a tight line. Keith was looking at the stars.

"Fine, but you and I are going over this. Now, get your ass back to the castle," he commanded with steel in his voice, firm words making Keith shiver and he had to fight back a smirk. He had managed to make Shiro swear.

Shiro was angry, angry at him. That was something few people could manage. Few meaning Keith and their newfound ally Slav, who honestly annoyed everyone out of their bodies.

"Castle! Now!" Shiro yelled and then disappeared.

Keith broke into laughter; unaware the rest of his teammates listening to his shrieks of laughter through the helmet that hadn't been tossed far enough.

"I think Keith went kuku," said Lance as the waves of laughter continued.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Pidge, genuinely concerned about the other boy.

"Who knows," scoffed Shiro, clearly angry that Keith, his best friend and right hand (literally) had given him hell.

"Uh guys, I think someone should, you know, talk to him?" suggested Hunk. "I mean it's not the first time he goes wild and doesn't listen, so, someone needs to take one for the team and try to, I don't know, reason with him?" Hunk asked, actually wondering if someone had the ability to reason with Keith.

"I don't think that's an option," Shiro answered dryly. "He is not exactly good with words."

"Paladins, please, we'll discuss this later, for now, we need to regroup," urged Allura from the castle.

"Well, four is better than nothing," joked Lance, trying to break the tension. He failed. Miserably.

The four paladins made their way back to the castle. As soon as Lance set foot on the bridge he removed his helmet and held it at his waist with his arm, wiping sweat from his forehead and sighing.

"Uh, guys? What's the opposite of _dibs_?" asked Hunk in a worried tone. "Because I call non-dibs on talking to Keith," he gulped nervously.

Both Allura and Shiro deadpanned him.

"Yeah, I'm not in for beating some sense into Mr. Greñas Locas* unless I actually get to beat it into him. Guy's on my nerves."

Pidge scoffed.

"Lance, he's been on your nerves even before he acknowledged you," she remarked bitterly. "Honestly, if you want to get the shit beaten out of you go ahead and try to fight Keith, but last time you two sparred you almost cried."

"Pidge." Shiro glared at her. "Watch that language."

Hunk and Allura allowed themselves to giggle.

"I'm serious. If Lance wants to get a black eye he should just go ahead and fight the emo."

"Keith is not emo, Pidge. But yes, we need to find out what's troubling him, it's been weeks and it's like as every mission passes by he just gathers more rage and becomes more and more erratic," said Allura, rubbing her temples. "He's been stubborn, even judged by his own standards, and his behavior is just the worst! As if he no longer cared about anything! Today I asked him how was he during our late breakfast and he just yelled 'mind your own fucking business' and threw his bowl of those ring-like things into the dishwasher without even finishing his meal."

"Cereal, Allura, it's called cereal!" exploded Shiro, frustrated and angry. He was pinching the bridge of his nose so hard he could swear he was about to break the bone with his robotic hand, and his other hand was settled as a fist next to his leg. His brow was furrowed and his breathing was becoming heavier. Everyone stared blankly at him.

"Shiro, what's the matter?" asked Coran, stepping close to the boy but not close enough in case he snapped. Pidge and Lance had filled him in regarding what happened with Slav and how he pissed Shiro off so hard he yelled when he was usually calm and composed.

Judging by the face of the other teens, he was far from pissed and experiencing new levels of anger.

"I think Shiro is about to lose it," whispered Lance to Hunk's ear. Hunk noded.

Shiro heard him.

"Well?! What if I lose it for once?! Got a problem with that? Because I have a bigger problem that is that Keith is acting like an idiotic five-year-old boy and refuses to listen or to even work with us! As Allura said, he's bottling something up and sooner or later the outcome won't be something nice!" He groaned. "How long has it been? Weeks? Months?"

"Well, in your human time I think it would make it three weeks," added Coran cheerfully.

The glare Shiro gave him killed his cheerfulness. The silence grew tense in the room.

"I'm not talking to him," yelled Lance and ran off.

Pidge coughed a bit, "yeah, uh, I'm busy. Reprogramming and stuff," she said as she slowly exited the room.

" _Yeaaah_ , she's gonna need some help with that programming _soooo_ I better go too," said Hunk

"Whatever," Shiro sighed.

Coran didn't need an excuse, the castle constantly needed fixing and he was always the one to carry out such tasks so he didn't have to explain himself.

"Shiro, I know that you must be going through a lot and I wish I could do more to help you and relief you, but the only thing I can say right now is that you two need to talk," Allura sat down on the steps that followed to the castle's main control panel, resting her hands on her lap and cooing her head to the side to point at the spot beside her. Reluctantly, Shiro sat down next to her. "I know it won't be easy, but I can tell you it's between the two of you. You probably don't remember when we were scattered across the entire galaxy and we found Keith holding you in his arms, you were unconscious. From the moment Keith spoke his first words after that you were at the healing pods, but I noticed something, I think we all did. Keith seemed... melancholic? As if he missed something he had never had. It was a slight change in his behavior, so we all let it slip away; he was more tense, growing stubborn and isolated himself even more. We all thought it was normal. Then, I don't know what happened when you two were at the Blade's headquarters but when he came back he seemed _broken_. And the next day he just isolated himself and trained till he was almost collapsing and..." Allura hesitated, not sure what to say or how to say it. "You're his closest friend. He trusts you, and only you. And whatever his problem is, I know you're the only one who can help him figure it out."

Shiro stared at his hands.

"Please, talk to him," she begged. 

"I'll try," Shiro muttered, pouting. 

Allura placed a hand on his.

"Thank you, Shiro."

And just as they finished their conversation, the castle alerted them that the Red Lion was back.

Shiro groaned.

"Good luck?" Allura asked.

"I hope so."

Shiro stood up and left the bridge, staying still for a moment. He didn't want to ambush Keith at his lion's hangar, so he should probably wander around either Keith's room or the training room. Then again, to wander outside Keith's room was kind of ambushing him, so Shiro crossed his fingers he'd find the other boy in the training room. And he did, except he found odd the fact that Keith was just sitting on the bench, elbows resting on his parted knees and sweat running down his neck and forehead, mouth covering his mouth as if he was trying really hard not to throw up, his back curved and all the bones in his spine were slightly visible. When had he gotten that thin? Sure, Keith had muscles but his complexion wasn't either big or small. He was just average with marked muscles due to the intense training he enjoyed. And he looked like he had just finished with a training session except for the fact that that was impossible.

Shiro had taken five minutes to get to the training room, which meant he must have arrived a minute or two after Keith. There was no way he had had time to overdo himself like that!

"Keith, I need to talk with you," said Shiro bluntly.

Keith looked up, eyes widening in surprise.

"You are being irrational and endangering the entire team so let's get over with this; what's your fucking problem?"

At this point, Shiro was done beating around the bush trying to find out what was going on up inside Keith's head.

However, being blunt was another dead end.

Keith blushed and looked away running a hand through his hair, avoiding eye contact.

He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a choked sound, unspoken words. He tried again and suddenly he felt like the little mermaid; his voice was gone.

"Keith, just fucking tell me! Stop wasting my time!"

Keith wanted to. He tried to make Shiro understand that it wasn't that he was avoiding the conversation but that for some reason, he literally couldn't talk.

He tried breathing deeply and speak up his mind, get it done so he could go back to being the lone wolf no one bothered or cared about.

And when he opened his mouth he started coughing. A lot. Keith covered his mouth with his hand again and ran away, tears in his eyes─and he wasn't sure why the tears were there; was it the lack of oxygen or the cold cutting edge he had found in Shiro's voice?

_Not again._

Keith barely got to his room and rushed to find the bottle of water he had been keeping under his pillow. He took a big sip, trying to drown whatever was causing him such an awful ache in his chest.

When had breathing turned into a game? His body seemed to find it funny, to _take his breath away_ when he was thinking of Shiro or around Shiro. And now he knew how Shiro felt about it. Keith clearly didn't take his breath away, he took away his composure and time. He was only burdening Shiro, but he didn't know what to do.

Another wave of a cough overcame him and this time his throat ached _really_ bad. He had to support himself leaning on the wall, slowly melting into the floor. He glanced at his side with glassy eyes and noticed something weird. The spot he had aimed his cough was still, a bit of saliva on the floor as expected of such abrasive cough, but something red caught Keith's attention. He moved slowly, his chest still aching not to mention his entire respiratory system, and reached one of the red stains. One was a small puddle, three or four drops of blood, and the other three were petals and two thorns. _Rose petals._ Did he just cough petals and thorns? For real?

_No no no, you're delirious._

Still, the red rose petals on his fingers felt real. The thorns stung where they had sunk in Keith's palm, warm drops of blood flowing.

He was going insane.

_Just sleep, try to sleep. Or wake up, wake up and the roses will be gone._

And he went to sleep, waking up to find even more petals on the floor.

"What's going on?" he asked himself as he stared at the petals and thorns on the floor. He was aware he had been coughing in his sleep but this was something else. It seemed like Valentines Day had thrown up on his bed and the floor beside it. He reached out and proved that in fact, the petals were real.

He didn't even bother putting on his jacket, he just put his pants and t-shirt and rushed out of his room to the library. But not without putting the petals in the garbage bin and then lighting them on fire.

 _Okay, Keith, you got this. Just grab a book. There must be books about flower diseases in this damned castle._ Maybe it was some sort of virus he had caught when they went to the space mall and mixed up all of that food Hunk got or was some disease common around the planets they had been visiting. Or maybe he caught it when he and Shiro were lost in that hostile planet when the wormhole had failed them.

Maybe it had something to do with him being part galra and finding out so suddenly that he was, in fact, fifty percent alien. Not that he had told anyone else. When Hunk had asked him how galra he was he lied and said he had no idea─ how do you tell your friends the few memories you have of your mom is a giant purple woman without a face. Besides, she was probably dead.

He bit his lip, remembering the battle that had taken place just a few hours ago. Maybe his mother had been in one of those ships and he had killed him just because he had anger management issues. He remembered his mom showing him flowers in a book with weird-looking sings; only after the trials he realized that must have been galra.

God, his only connection to his mother was that he knew how to say flower in galra.

Keith shook his head, trying to get rid of everything that was troubling him. He had a major issue at hand and he had to figure out how to deal with it because if he didn't, god knows what might happen if he doesn't do his homework.

He straightened his back and stepped into the library.

"What are you doing here?" asked Pidge as soon as he set foot in the castle's library.

Keith frowned and twisted his lips in anger. He wanted to be alone. But then again, he had no right to tell Pidge to go mind her business─ she was minding her business, her thing where books and studying, she was the team's small gremlin brain.

"You don't own this place," he said nonchalantly as he started reading the titles of a few books.

The castlet's library was huge. Huge might have been an understatement. Keith had never seen so many books in his life, not even when he had visited the Garrison's library─which had about nine or ten floors of four hundred square meters of hallways filled with books from all over the world. Back on Earth, the Garrison's library was known to be the biggest library on the planet. But this library would make the garrison's book weep. Keith looked up and realized he couldn't see where the ceiling was, only the fancy seashell stairs that went up for what seemed an eternal loop, like one of those colorful lollipops his dad used to give him when he was little. Endless books stood right there, bookshelves as walls and every two meters, the stairs parted so there could be a small edge where they could walk around and read over the book covers. From the little edge, there were lines crossing the circumference of the room, books as walls to keep the alteans from falling a hundred meters in case they tripped. It was a beautiful room, Keith had to admit. Every now and then some sort of painting showed up, the captions written in different languages.

He could barely decipher what the books said, most of them were in altean and he had no idea how that language worked. He managed to find some galra books, and he recognized some words and sings from his childhood. Still, it was hard reading an alien language.

"I never said that," she muttered through the pencil in her mouth, taking it out to write something down on her notepad and putting the pencil back in her mouth.

"Chewing a pencil?" Keith snorted. "Gross."

Maybe if he was mean enough, she'd leave him willingly.

"What are you doing here?" she asked once again, this time with less patience and zero tolerance. Pidge didn't like being bothered when she was studying.

"Maybe I'm here to read," remarked Keith with a book in each hand.

"You can't read altean."

"Why are you so annoying?!" he exploded.

Pidge put the pencil down and planted her left hand on the table she was sitting on, looking at him over her shoulder. She was sitting with one leg hanging from the table and the other folded so she could rest her notepad there, her other hand calmly resting on her notes and Keith realized how natural it looked. As if every alien library came with a Pidge included.

"Look, I'm just trying to help," she told him. "The faster you're out of here the best for me, so let me help you." Her voice was collected and calm as she dropped to her feet and made her way over to him. She took one of the books he was holding, " _Language of Flowers in Daaibaza_ l," she read out loud. She stole the other books Keith was holding. " _Poisonous Flowers, an Altean Anthology. Flowers across the Universe, written by Honerva. Galra diseases, The Basics. Galra Biology and Anatomy. Galra flowers, when and where to find them. First Aid for The Galra._ " Pidge crooked an eyebrow, "What is this all about Keith? Flowers? Galra Diseases? Let me help you, You may have managed to get some books but there's no way you can read and understand them all. You barely know galra, and I bet you have no idea of how to read Altean. Bet you chose this books because of their covers and..."

"Fine!" Keith yelled, taking the books back and holding them tightly against his chest. "I'm trying to find out if there's any galra disease related to flowers." He shook his head, realizing how dumb he sounded. "Never mind, it's probably nothing."

"Wait!" Pidge grabbed his elbow before he could turn around and leave. "Is this...─"

Keith turned around, astonished. He had never seen Pidge doubt or fidget so much.

"Is this about coughing petals?" she asked in a low voice as if her words weren't meant to be heard by anyone.

"How...?" Keith stared at him with eyes widened.

"It's not galra," she stated and rushed over to where she had left her notepad. "I've been researching about it too. There's some of it in altean books. It's known as _Ankáthiardiá_ ," she read out loud, and then placed the tip of the pencil against her lower lips as she stared into nothingness. "I managed to get some information when we went to the space mall and found some books on Earth. Lance and I got some, the rest they gave them to us. Humans aren't exactly common in the universe. It was discovered on earth too, it's called Hanamahi or Kahimani or something like that."

"Japanese?" questioned Keith.

"Yes, the first signs of the illness were in Japan during the XIV Century, but I forgot about the rest..."

"Do you still have the book?"

Pidge pouted and blushed.

"I'm not sure, I mean I haven't thrown it away but I don't know where it is..." she offered with half a smile.

"Uh, okay. I'll stick to these," he said as he gestured the books written in galra.

"You can read galra?" asked Pidge, amazed.

"A little bit. After the Trials of Marmora, some memories came back to me; my mom taught me the basics when I was a baby," Keith's expression suddenly saddened. "I can't remember her face, nor her voice, but I remember she taught me some galra."

"Your mom is galra?" Pidge asked.

"Yeah, I think so, I mean, she was purple." Keith gestured his whole face. "I mean, I should be grateful I wasn't born purple."

"Or a furry," Pidge added.

They broke off into laughter.

"Still, that would explain why you have purple eyes," she offered. "You must have your mom's eyes."

"I guess so, my dad had brown eyes. He never talked about her though. All my childhood I thought she was dead... She probably is, you know? I might have killed her yesterday when I lashed out at those galras."

"Keith, that was today, like five hours ago."

Keith stared at her in silence.

"Can I help you get that book?" he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder. He didn't want to push Pidge into talking about how she knew about the disease.

"Yes, I think we should," she sighed and glanced at him. "Since when?"

Keith was taken aback by her boldness.

"More than you can imagine, but it was until yesterday when I, uh, coughed the petals," he tried to explain himself, completely omitting the part about how it only happened when Shiro was around or he was thinking of him. Maybe it was just a coincidence and he was jumping to conclusions. Maybe the truth was that his symptoms only manifested when he was around Shiro because he was the only one he trusted and allowed to see his vulnerable side. He kept quiet while Pidge scratched her chin.

"Uh, I see," she said sympathetically. "I think I may be ill too, I remember the symptoms matching. Sudden lack of breath and sting in the chest, rough attacks of cough; at the beginning."

"Paladins! Get to your lions! Allura's voice was heard over the castle's coms, distress drowning her voice."A galra fleet is attacking a nearby planet, we need Voltron!"

Pidge and Keith exchanged a glance before they both rushed out to their lions.

Once Keith gripped at Red's controls and took off, he tried his best to stop throwing his tantrum and to actually help and reason instead of going rogue and killing everything within his reach.

"Guys, we need to form Voltron!" announced Shiro, confidence in his voice. 

"Let's do this," Keith said, voice raw and aching. He felt another whip in his chest, this time over the left side of his chest. He coughed, catching the petals and thorns before throwing them to the ground.

"Keith are you okay?" asked Shiro, worried.

"Yes," he managed to choke out.

"Guys! Form Voltron, remember?" yelled Lance as he collided with Keith while evading the ion canon's beam.

Upon the impact, Keith coughed even more, blood splattering across the control panel.

_Hurts..._

"We're running out of time, form Voltron!" Shiro yelled.

"I─I can't! Green's not feeling it!" Pidge yelped, eyes closed. _They were doomed._

"Same here! I'm not feeling leggy!" Hunk replied, tackling some ships but getting thrown away, spinning and losing control. "I'm going to throw up!"

"Team, what's wrong?" Shiro's voice was filled with concern and panic. "Everyone, focus!"

"I'm trying!" Lance yelled as he made evasive maneuvers. "It's too many of them!"

"That's why we need Voltron, idiot!" Pidge snarled back.

"Pidge, language. Lance, keep trying."

Everyone was so busy trying to survive the battle no one noticed Red was still, Keith drowning in the sounds that came through his helmet and choking on the petals he needed to get out of his throat.

"Keith! Keith! What's going on?" Allura's voice came through the private channel. "Why aren't you moving?"

"Can't," he managed to choke out.

"Keith! This isn't the time for this!" she replied.

He managed to open a video channel to the castle.

He heard Allura gasp.

"You're injured! You are bleeding!"

"Quiznack! What happened to you?" asked Coran.

Keith saw his reflection on Red's metallic panel. He had blood coming out of the commissures of his mouth, some stains on his chin where he had rubbed, he was paler than usual and his eyes looked... empty.

"Can't," he repeated before passing out. 

* * *

 Keith woke up in his room, Allura and Pidge sitting on the edge in his bed, discussing something.

"Wha... What happened?" he asked, voice rough and tired.

"Keith!" Pidge rushed over him to hug him.

keith whined in pain. 

"Sorry," she apologized.

"Pidge, would you mind giving us a minute to talk?" Allura asked politely, gesturing towards the door.

Pidge nodded, biting the inside of her cheek as she exited the room. She sat next to the wall, hugging her knees.

She had known Keith before they came to space, he was one of the few people she considered a friend and cared about. Ever since her brother had introduced them to each other, they had an awkward bond that became some sort of friendship.

"Keith..." she whispered, and then rushed to her room to look for the book. 

She had to find it! She had to help Keith!

"What happened out there?" Allura asked dryly, standing up.

"I─I'm not sure," he said, coughing even more.

"Are you sick?" she asked, squinting. 

"No," he lied.

"Then why did you pass out in the middle of a battle! If it hadn't been for your bond with Red you would have surely died."

keith remained silent.

"Keith, until you get better, we are going to need another person to pilot the Red Lion," Allura stated, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Red growled, and it echoed through Keith's head. 

"I'm not sure how willing is Red to accept someone else," he said shakily.

Memories started flowing into his mind, not his but Red's. After he passed out Red had managed to evade every threat and make her way back to the castle, dropping Keith's unconscious body as softly as she could. He was covered in blood stains, but Red had been kind enough to keep the petals and thorns.

 _Thank you girl_ , Keith thought.

He almost heard Red purr, he wasn't completely sure.

"Keith, what's going on? Why do you refuse to talk things out? Pidge knows something, doesn't she? That's why she insisted on taking care of you!"

"Look Allura, it's just a human cold, it will be gone in a week or two, Pidge knows basic first aids and some things about medicine so yes, I asked her for her help. That's it. It's just a cold!" he groaned.

Allura shook her head.

"I hope you feel better tomorrow."

Allura had just exited his room when Pidge bolted in an encyclopedia in her hands.

"Keith! I found it!  _Hanahaki Disease,"_ she announced and gulped nervously.

"And?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" she questioned, biting her lip.

"Pidge, please, this may be the only way for me to find a cure."

Pidge sighed and clutched the book against her chest. Then, she opened it, and read out loud.

 _"Hanahaki Disease, a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The term hanahaki comes from the Japanese words_ hana _, which means "flower", and_ hakimasu _, which means "to throw up". The symptoms of the disease are summarized to strong pain, having flowers blooming in the heart and lungs, and then throwing them up. It often develops over months or even years, beginning with coughing up a few petals and growing in intensity (and pain) until the victim is vomiting entire flowers, by which point the disease has entered its final stages.The most common version is when the victim's lungs get filled with the flowers and roots grow in their respiratory system. They choke on their own blood and petals and die._ _It ends when the beloved returns their feelings, or when the victim dies. It's sometimes worded as "You made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful I can't fucking breathe."_

Keith went still and remained silent.

"What are you going to do?" Pidge asked, sinking her face into her knees, trying her best not to cry.

"Die," answered Keith dryly, without hesitation.

Pidge left out a soft whine.

"Hey, I was joking, I'll figure this out, okay?" He reassured her putting a hand on her shoulder.

Pidge was about to make a sarcastic remark when she looked up and saw Keith's eyes watering.

He needed just as much comfort as she needed.

"You will." She prayed her words were being heard. For Keith's sake.

"So? Lance?" asked Pidge bitterly, burning holes in the book with her eyes.

"What?! No way!" Keith even flinches, almost falling off his chair. 

"Allura? Hunk? Shiro? Coran? Me? Someone on eart─"

Keith's blush gives him away.

"It's Shiro, isn't it?" she asks carefully, wishing this was a joking matter.

"Whatever. It's a dead end. Love is soup and I'm a fork."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Greñas locas = Crazy Hair
> 
> [ You can yell at me, it's okay lol](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)  
> 


	2. The Smudges On The Mirror Made Me Go Insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A N G S T

Funny how water distorts things. In the bathtub, Keith could see his right hand under the water, the little wounds the thorns he coughed up burning red, fresh flesh, a raw cut he had gotten during the trials. His hand seemed so small, so far away from him. He couped water in his hands and thoroughly saw how the water slipped away from his fingers.

Just like time.

He was running out of time.

Almost robotically, he finished washing and dried his body and hair.

He tucked the towel at his waist and stood in front of the mirror.

Keith stared at his own reflection. Wet hair sticking to his forehead and the back of his neck; bangs that almost covered his eyes completely.

_One-sided love._

At least now he knew how Shiro felt about him. 

_Having flowers blooming in the heart and lungs._

What a poetic and lovely way to die, he thought sarcastically.

His smile was crooked, corrupted, broken. 

Effortlessly, he flipped his head from side to side until the water remaining in his hair was minimum. 

His hair looked normal again, he had his mullet. 

He tried to find himself in those eyes but could not do it no matter how hard he tried.

_They choke on their own blood and petals and die._

He faked a smile, and it was soft and innocent. That was what it looked like, regardless of how Keith felt.

Hollow.

Empty.

A shell for a darkness he knew nothing about.

A dying garden.

So far away from reality, such a lonely place to die.

_You made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful I can't fucking breathe._

Keith's knuckles were bleeding, a few shards of broken glass remaining inserted into his skin.

He couldn't stand it.

It was too much. 

He was so fake. Bearing too many lies. Building too many walls.

Those walls were weakening, and so did his body.

Eventually, those walls would break and bury him.

His chest was hurting. He was almost certain of it now. He had thorns on his lungs and heart. That explained the pain.

And Keith hated it. He hated that it made sense because he had always known _love hurts._

But not like this. The pain of knowing his love was unrequited had been awful back on earth when he first realized he had fallen in love with Shiro, and God what wouldn't he give to be able to fly away from his feelings. 

The first time he saw Shiro he was a freshman and Shiro was giving a welcoming speech to his generation. He became friends with Matt during the initiation ritual; they both chose to hide in the library to avoid getting splashed, thrown eggs, or balloons with water and flour. And Shiro had found them hiding behind a couch, reading some comics they had found; the moment they realized a senior had caught them they both gasped, but Shiro just smiled and warmth enveloped Keith. A kind, caring smile, welcoming; it felt like home. More seniors rushed into the library, asking Shirogane if he had found any newbies hiding. Shiro lied, he said the place was clear. And they left. But Shiro's smile stayed, engraved in Keith's eyelids so he could see it every time he closed his eyes, and that made him smile.

_Ankáthiardiá. A heart surrounded by thorns._

The next time he saw Shiro, he was wandering around the gardens ─or attempt of, because not even the galaxy Garrison could recreate a garden in the middle of the desert. He was thinking about the bushes, and how they all were so rounded and perfect; he reached out and grabbed a red rose unaware of the thorns surrounding the stem. There was blood in his hand, his fingers were prickled and stang, but it didn't matter because he turned back when he heard laughs. He was shy, most people thought he was rude and a jerk, but the truth was that Keith was just awkward and timid, he didn't know how to make friends. His first sixteen years he spent them living with his dad, who only taught him the basics of how to survive in the wild before he dropped him off at the Garrison and disappeared. He hid between the bushes and trees, hoping his thin complexion would be of use. He tried to get a glimpse of what was happening behind him to catch Shiro, Matt, and some other classmates he couldn't name playing volleyball. That's when he first heard Shiro laugh. And he recorded it in his heart to keep the wonderful melody at his disposal in case he missed home.

_One-sided love._

The first time he actually talked to Shiro was a mess. His teacher needed to sort out their skills, so she made teams and made them take rounds on the simulators to gauge who should be incorporated into the pilot program, those who were meant to be team engineers and who had what it took to be computer specialists. Keith had failed as an engineer, but his score as a computer specialist was one of the highest ever recorded at the Garrison. He was kind of smug about it, and when it came to piloting he was scared out of his bones. I'm gonna crash, he thought. But he didn't. He crashed when he saw the way everyone was staring at him as if he had told the worst dad joke ever or had had the worst misunderstanding ever. He was embarrassed, all eyes glued to him. His teacher was speechless. There was a minute of solid silence and awe in the room, and at some point, his teammates had joined the rest of the class leaving him standing alone at the door of the simulator. Suddenly, his teacher started clapping, everyone was quick to follow. The cheers and applause for Keith were so loud even some seniors passing by caught the sound. And that's how it started. The rumor that some nameless newbie with zero experience had somehow managed to cheat and destroy Takashi Shirogane's built and well-trained record as a pilot. Others said that a fourteen-year-old nerd managed to beat Shirogane at his very first attempt and that they were talking about the most talented student in the entire history of Garrison pilots. Either option was embarrassing and a lie.

  _It often develops over months or even years._

He had avoided Shiro for months, always managing to exit the room as his senior set foot in it. He tried to keep a low profile, he tried so hard. He skipped most of his simulations because every time he went inside and took the controls he managed to break the record again and again. He was praised by his teachers and classmates every time, but he didn't know what to respond. He wasn't a prodigy. The only reason he could manage in the simulator was that he felt like flying, up in the air away from everyone, being alone and naming unknown stars as he pleased; it was a feeling of freedom and belonging he didn't want to admit. Space called out to him, they both reach for the other, seeking answers for what would happen when they collided. Still, he needed to fulfill his hours as a pilot if he didn't want to be kicked out because hi didn't complete his hours, that would mean all his efforts to keep a good grades would have been for nothing; he's sneak up at night and enter his code, spending nights pretending to be one with the stars. Pretending he belonged.

_You made flowers grow in my lungs and although they are beautiful I can't fucking breathe._

One night, he ran into Shiro. He was terrified. The first thing he did was apologize, he managed to talk about eight solid minutes (more than he had ever talked to anyone who wasn't his dad) about how he hadn't cheated and how he didn't care about the records and that if there was a way to give Shiro his record back he would do it because he had no idea how he had actually managed to pass his piloting test. Keith was on the brink of tears by the time he finally shut up, embarrassment and self-consciousness taking over his mind. And then Shiro smiled at him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Keith froze and they locked eyes. Then Shiro laughed and even though Keith knew every single aspect of his laugh, from the tone to the giggling, he felt warm for the first time in years. And Keith laughed too. Shiro was not angry, envious or jealous; he was amazed by Keith's technique and _admired_ him. And they spent the entire night talking about the space, the infinite probabilities. The probability that he was falling in love with Shiro. That was one of the few times Keith didn't feel time, he felt at home, he had found someone who understood him, someone he could create a magnificent resonance with. Because together, inside the simulator, two pilots managed to clear every single level as easy as they laughed and enjoyed themselves. 

When they parted at sunrise, Keith felt the first throb of fire in his heart. 

_I'm choking because of words I left unspoken._

Shiro was oblivious to the point of no return. Since he and Keith became friends everyone at the Garrison was aware of Keith's crush on Shiro; nobody judged him because either they also had a crush on Shiro or were really good liars.

It might as well have gone down like this.

 **Shiro:** Keith doesn't have a crush on me

 **Matt:** Yes he does

 **Commander Holt:** Yes he does

 **Iverson:** Yes he does

 **The entire Garrison:** Yes he does

 **Keith:** Yes I do

 **Shiro:** See? Best buddies

He would chew on his pencil every time Shiro got close to him. He would blush every time they locked eyes. He'd be out of breath every time he hard his name roll out of Shiro's tongue. He would stare at Shiro in awe, admiration, and desire when he thought nobody was looking. He would pay more attention to his messy strand of hair surging from his forehead or his beautiful grey eyes than to whatever Shiro was trying to help him with. For fuck's sake, he even bit his lip when Shiro pinned him to the ground when they sparred, mind running wild on fantasies and love stories. He made excuse after excuse to stay with Shiro for the night, even if they just slept having Shiro's warm body near him was enough to make Keith smile. Whenever he heard a rumor about him and Shiro dating, he'd blush and bite the inside of his cheek; whenever Shiro denied these rumors and said he saw Keith as a young brother an unexplainable physical ache started growing in Keith's chest.

If only he had known sooner.

If only he had known better than to fall in love with Shiro.

_I didn't want to burden you with my feelings, and it's literally killing me._

He remembered nights studying. His mind lost in Shiro's lips as he answered every question Keith asked. He remembered being there, training with Shiro until he reached his peak and became even sexier, abs well defined and strong arms. Two months of intensive training and studying to be selected. To finally fly amongst the stars, to discover a new world full of possibilities.

Shiro made it; he became the pilot for the Kerberos Mission.

Matt had made it too, as his dad.

The three of them were a sensation, the biggest mission the Garrison had ever planed.

He had his chance, Shiro took him to the launch. But he couldn't bring to say those simple three words, so instead, he bit his lip and waved until the ship disappeared into the sun. And he stood there, skeletons in his closet, as Katie and Amanda Holt said goodbye to their family. Shiro never talked about his family, Keith didn't ask. Shiro saw him as a family, the person he was looking forward to reuniting with after eighteen months in space.

His little brother. 

That night, Keith's pain grew stronger and came in waves, drowning him, asphyxiating him. 

_Every chance I had, I threw it away for the sake of enjoying what I had._

Pilot error. Not a fucking chance. After eight months of intense chest pains and throwing up blood, it stopped. Everything stopped. Because Shiro was out there, out of Keith's reach, out of anyone's reach. He may have never bought the pilot error crap, but he knew Shiro was lost, that red string tangled within stars and time, stretching maybe too much.

_Scared of the future, chose to live in the past._

He was alive, Keith could feel it. It was not pleasant, but the pain in his chest convinced him Shiro was out there, the blood red as the roses bouquet Keith was planning on giving him when they got back. But after the first weeks, it came back time came back, reality came back, his feelings came back. He needed answers. Iverson refused to give them to him. 

When Keith first stepped into the Garrison he could barely bring himself to lock eyes with the elder. But then, he realized he could yell at him, demand things, even costing him an eye.

He got kicked out, but he couldn't care less. If the Garrison was not interested in finding their crew, Keith would do it on his own.

_Months._

He stared at the blood in his knuckles.

_Years._

An entire year went by. And just like the space called to him when he was at the simulator, something called to him out on the dessert. Something he knew would reunite him with Shiro. He never heard of his dad after he got expelled and couldn't bring himself to see the remaining Holt's in the eye, so he finally became the lone wolf people labeled him as. He would always keep a knife his father had sent him with a note attached saying it used to be his mother's attached to his belt, always ready to do what was necessary to survive. To keep holding on, until he saw Shiro again.

_My heart blooms for you and I bleed from the inside due to the thorns._

Blinded by emotions, pain and time consumed him. He never realized how much he had changed, he never knew where his fear went, or where did his courage to keep on researching those caves came from. He never cared how he learned how to scale a mountain or to decipher signals and waves he could have never cared less if it wasn't for Shiro. There was no obstacle Keith couldn't demolish, he became a warrior, he got scars, he changed, and he found what he had lost. Purpose. 

_All these flowers and all I could give you was half a smile._

Keith covered his bleeding hand with the bandages he used to cover the insignia of his knife with. No one would notice, and even if they did, they wouldn't care. Just as he didn't care to step on broken glass.

_You took my breath away in a way I couldn't even imagine._

Due to their inability to form Voltron, Allura and Coran came to the conclusion that maybe going over the same bonding exercises they had done after the first time they formed Voltron would help. The pain in Keith's chest kept growing, but it wasn't enough to knock him off, he could endure this and more.

He walked into the common room and kept his bitch resting face on point. He didn't make eye contact, he just put on the weird altean headband, closed his eyes, and focused on Red.

Red was calling out to him, trying to help him. He could almost hear a soft voice telling him he would make it through, that he was a warrior. He could have sworn Red was proud of Keith for making it this far on his own.

"Keith?"

Red banished, leaving him alone.

"What?" he asked with his eyes still closed.

"What's that?" Allura asked, her face covered with intrigue and interest.

Keith opened his eyes.

There where four holographic lions in front of him, and instead of a Red robotic lion, his mind looked like a TV with no signal. Nothing appeared but distorted shades of gray and black.

"I don't know," Keith said, staring at the flashing noise his head was displaying. "I─I was just bonding with Red! How come she doesn't show up!"

"Man, this is getting creepy..." muttered Hunk, taking off his headband. "When Pidge couldn't form Green we could at least see her memories but this..." Hunk made a weird sign with his hands. 

The black and grey electrostatic turned into red spikes, shooting themselves in all directions. Keith took off the headband as soon as he could.

"What the fuck was that?" asked Lance, who had distanced from Keith's side, unwilling to take the risk that the hologram was as sharp and pointy as it looked. 

"I don't know!" Keith snarled angrily, glaring at Lance.

"Allura, Coran, you know more about this than any of us," Shiro inquired. "What was that?"

"I had never seen anything like that," Allura murmured, eyes widened in fear and confusion.

"Neither had I! And I took many team building exercises when I was young!" Coran said, nervously twirling a finger in his mustache. "I saw many things, but never something like that!"

"Great," Pidge deadpanned. "Not even Coran knows what the fuck was that thing."

"Pidge, watch your fucking language," scolded Shiro.

Keith bit back a giggle with the help of a wave of pain in his chest. 

_I would have died for you if I wasn't a dead man walking._

"Maybe something more practical could work!" said Allura as she watched them form a circle in the training room.

As soon as their foes appeared everyone took a defensive stance, shields up covering each other.

It was like a perfect symphony, everybody knew when to defend and when to attack, each attack seemed to be calculated when it was just instinct and experience.

As the difficulty rose, everyone grew tired but refused to stand back.

Even when the waves of pain overcame Keith and got him shot between the eyes as he disappeared into the floor Shiro and Lance were quick to come close and keep each others' backs protected. The four of them made it through to the last level.

Keith knew Allura couldn't see him cough blood, and he was glad his armor had red parts where he could smear the blood he coughed. He'd clean it up later. Allura couldn't see him, but he could see her, the concern growing with every passing second.

_This is a nightmare─ and I'm a sleepwalker._

Pidge and Keith secretly tried some tests. That night Keith spent his rest in a healing pod, hoping it would better his condition. Pidge kept monitoring his vitals, chewing on her lip every time she saw a decay. When he came out, she didn't mention it, she just said she hoped it would have been of some help.

 

_Make me bleed, make me choke, make me fall in love._

Shiro was getting too worried for Keith's liking. Every now and then he would just check on Keith, watch him carefully as he tried to train, keeping him company while he improved at reading galra. Shiro had no idea that that only brought more pain to Keith, but it also brought him joy. Shiro cared for him; Shiro loved him, even if it wasn't in the same way Keith did, even if that love wouldn't save him. Having Shiro by his side was troubling, it made him feel both stronger and weaker. It made him feel alive while it killed him from the inside.

He smiled at Shiro, lying. He just wanted to be okay, it was the truth. But he wasn't. And he wouldn't be. 

Because over the years he had managed to find comfort in his friendship with Shiro, he had tried so hard to convince himself it was enough, that he didn't want more─ he didn't need more. 

But now he was growing weaker, his body no longer happy with the lies Keith told himself everytime they hugged. His mind was falling apart and he couldn't bring himself to pick up the pieces. 

He was staring at the ceiling, head like dead weight on his pillow surrounded by messy black hair and the petals he kept coughing. As a single petal escaped his lips, Keith blew, maintaining it in the air, contemplating the beauty of it. Oh love, just kill him already, for there is no worst agony that the one that takes it's time to make sure your time is coming. 

He wondered what might have been if Shiro had sold him and Matt out that time at the library.

He wondered where would he be if he hadn't been on the gardens that day.

He wondered what would have happened if he had purposefully crashed the simulator that day.

He wondered which would have been his fate if he could choose if he went back in time what would he do?

He pretended the question was eating him alive.

_I'd do it all again._

_Ankáthiardiá_

What a beautiful word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> αγκάθια στην καρδιά/ankáthia stin kardiá is Greek for Thorned Heart: or as I translated it from spanish _Espinas en el corazón_
> 
>  
> 
> [ I also ask myself why ](https://bulletbats.tumblr.com)  
> 


	3. Empty Thoughts Start To Crawl My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura revives memories of her past, flowers and blood ripping her heart once again.

Allura bit her lower lip, watching the castle's surveillance cameras. She knew Keith and Pidge were up to something, and that something was affecting the team. She would never buy Keith's damned cold story. She knew when someone was lying to her, humans showed too many symptoms when lying, when sick, when sad. 

Altean's used to be more direct, they did not beat around the bush when it came to weakness. It was okay for them to admit weakness and seek help, it was seen as an act of courage few managed.

Something caught her eye; Pidge and Keith in the healing room. Keith inside a pod.

She pouted and made her way to the healing pod's. She scanned the records and pulled out all the data.

In the video, when Keith had woken up, Pidge told him his vitals had been stable. But the feed she was getting was not stable. During the night, the pod had to raise the oxygen levels at three times a human's standard at what seemed random moments, until Allura pulled the images out of the data.

She scanned for any superficial wounds, then muscular one's and finally skeletal level, but found nothing. She was about to give up when she found the images of Keith's internal organs.

As soon as the full-body hologram displayed, Allura gasped and took way too many steps back, falling backward.

Tears formed in her eyes.

The flowers on Keith's lungs growing exponentially, clenching his heart. 

* * *

_There were many flowers in Altea, from Juneberries representing a blossoming future to Alysasyads, meaning raw pain._

_Alysasyads were difficult to find, the blue flowers only blossomed during the strongest winters, but no flowers were as beautiful as it. When Allura first saw one she was only twelve, a young mind full of innocence. At that time the research on the comet was at its peak and everything between Daibazaal and Altea was friendly and peaceful._

_"Giant lions! That's sweet!" said Aldan, Allura's best friend. Both of them were sitting with their legs hanging off the edge of the hangar, looking how the alchemists assembled pieces together and painted them in distinctive colors._

_"I know!" Allura exclaimed, pointing at the red one. "Dad says he will pilot that one!"_

_"And they'll fight the universes threats? That's way beyond amazing! When I grow up I want to be a paladin! Just like your dad" he exclaimed happily._

_"I want to become an alchemist so I can discover new things!"_

_"And you will Allura," came a voice from behind. "So will you Aldan," said Allura's mom, putting hands on their shoulders and sneaking her head between them. "However it's getting pretty late, you should go home know, Aldan."_

_"But! I don't want to! Allura and I are having much fun!" protested Aldan, turning away as soon as he felt himself blush._

_"Do not worry, my dear Aldan. Tomorrow will come and you will be able to come back!."_

_"Yes! And I can finally show you the Alysasyads that blossomed in the royal gardens!" Allura cheered._

_When Aldan went home, the first flower blossomed in his lungs._

_The next day, he and Allura were prancing around at the royal gardens with some other friends._ _They were playing hide and seek, and while Mylra was trying to find them, Allura pulled Aldan's hand and they both disappeared inside a bush._ _Aldan was about to protest when Allura put a finger on his lips, his pale skin turning tomato red; then she pointed to her left and began to crawl in that direction. Aldan followed her. They heard as Nery and Erda got caught while Haleen and Kyas managed to avoid Mylra, making them the only two missing. They crawled for a few minutes until Allura sat on the ground and moved her hand to gesture Aldan to sit by her side._

_Aldan did as told, eyes widened in awe as he stared at the blue flower in the middle of the bush._

_"Is that a..." he whispered._

_"Yes," Allura told him, slapping his hand before he could reach out and touch the blue petals. "Careful, it's poisonous."_

_It was a small flower, it was about three inches tall and it's stem seemed so thin Aldan could barely believe it was supporting all the petals. The petals were small and emitted a soft blue light, which reminded him of Allura's markings. His were a dark shade of green, Allura would often compare them to plants and his eyes, but Aldan had always admired the soft blue in Allura's dark skin; they made her eyes shine more than all the night stars._

_A petal fell from the flower and Allura pulled out of her shoe a glove, putting it on and grabbing the petal._

_"Mother said the poisonous part was the stem but it's better to be safe," she explained to him with a wink._

_She put her hand in her lap, watching slowly how the petal lost the light it had been irradiating._

_"It's beautiful," he said._

_It took twelve royal guards and five friends to find the two kids hiding amongst bushes, their game long forgotten._

* * *

To Allura and the universe, Keith was the team's weakness.

He hadn't even been awake when Allura was going to ask him to step down from fighting this battle. He was unconscious and pale, so she had just asked Pidge to quietly go to her lion, but Pidge made her promise she would watch out for Keith while she was away. It had taken Allura two minutes to convince Pidge to let her take her place and Coran her's leading them from the bridge. Allura knew that ankáthiardía was something delicate ─a bitter taste when she thought of why people often hid it; Keith didn't want anyone else involved, and she would respect that as long as it didn't compromise their missions.

Keith was coughing too much, so Allura went to fetch him some water, however, when she came back, Keith was standing ─ or trying to, a hand on the wall to support himself and back arched in pain.

He locked eyes with Allura and froze, eyes widening in fear.

ThenKeith collapsed out of the blue, knees bending and eyes rolling back to his skull, chest clashing against the ground. For a moment the room was silent. 

Allura rushed over to her unconscious friend, rolling him around and cradling Keith's head in her lap. Then she noticed the petals surrounding the area where Keith's face had collided with the floor. _Keith was dying._

She knew he was sick, but she had never studied the disease and still, she was able to tell the disease was on one of its final stages. 

* * *

_A year or maybe even two later, Allura and Aldan were wandering barefoot on an altean beach, feeling the breeze against their faces, laughing at the silliest jokes their dads told them._

_"You've been awfully quiet, Aldan," Allura pointed out, sinking her feet on the waves that came and went as the sun began to hide, Altea's two current moons taking their turns to appear._

_Aldan didn't respond. Instead, he took off his shoes and stood next to Allura._

_"Remember when you showed me the alysasyad that blossomed in your garden?" he asked._

_"That was a long time ago; why do you ask?"_

_"You said the flower was poisonous. You have no idea how damaging it is," he said, avoiding Allura's question. "I have seen a few ever since that day. I was wondering if you knew their meaning."_

_Allura stayed silent for a moment._

_"Pain." Allura turned around and looked at her best friend in the eyes._

 

 

> _"Such is the sting of my heart,_
> 
> _that this blue flower, so delicate,_
> 
> _took away the pain and made me fall apart,_
> 
> _Such was my cold detriment._
> 
>  
> 
> _My headaches froze,_
> 
> _my heart slowly melting,_
> 
> _and dripping like crystal blood._
> 
> _Snowflakes cradle my empty thoughts,_
> 
> _and like winter when spring comes,_
> 
> _It all turns into dust away blown."_

_"The old book of relish poems?" Aldan questioned, faking a laugh. "Never thought you'd be one to enjoy poetry."_

_"I do not, but I do like flowers," Allura said, her voice cold and broken. "Besides, I may not enjoy poetry but that is my favorite poem. The folklore culture is old, but there's a fairy tale about the flower. They say it was written by a girl who fell in love with the third moon, Ioh. As you know, we can only see Ioh during Winter the way we only see Zalk during summer and spring; Sylo is our only constant moon. Anyways, the girl loved Ioh so much she turned into an alysasyad so she could only exist when Ioh was close to her; the flower confessed her feeling to our moon, but the cold winter moon could feel no emotion ─no love, no hate, nothing at all. Watching pain consume the flower, Sylo turned the flower into ice and asked Zalk to melt it, ending with the flower's agony."_

_"I had never heard that fairy tale," was Aldan's response._

_"The girl's name was Alysasyad. My father says the story is true and that we are her descendants, he claims that she lived and ruled two thousand years ago before she died."_

_"You don't believe him?"_

_"I do not think love is strong enough to end a life," she whispered, Ioh and Sylo's light bathing her delicate silhouette._

* * *

She went back to the healing room and pulled out Keith's file. Brow furrowed, she noticed little difference in his lungs. When Keith had gotten into the castle for the first time, he was already sick, seventy percent of his lungs filled with red roses. Allura hissed in pain as she noticed the pointy things piercing Keith's lungs. That explained the blood. His trachea was partially obstructed, but it was just a few blooming shells. Compared to what she was seeing now when the castle ran its first recognition on them Keith's trachea was empty.

She went back to Keith's room, she had promised Pidge to stay by his side and made sure he didn't choke.  

* * *

_Allura was fifteen when Aldan died._

_The last time she saw him, he confessed his feeling to her. Allura rejected him, she could never see him as more as her best friend or the brother she never had._

_Ankáthiardiá._

_A rare disease behind the death of few across the entire universe. It made flowers bloom inside one's lung and eventually expand until they stopped breathing._

_Her mom did her best trying to convince Allura it hadn't been her fault, it was pretty rare for people to catch a love so strong they'd contract_ ankáthiardia _if their love was unrequited._

_Something broke down inside Allura. Aldan had loved her so much he managed to get a one in a million deadly disease. And even worse, she had probably just made it worse by rejecting him the way she had._

_Maybe if she had kept quiet, given him a chance, maybe he would have survived, she could have fallen in love with him or maybe he could fall out of love with her._

_But she told him she would never love him as more than a friend._

_For months of crying herself to sleep, Allura learned that_ never _was a word that withheld more power than she could ever imagine._

* * *

 

When the team got back, Allura evaded their questions regarding why she hadn't been there to lead them and why did Coran have to take her role, she immediately asked Pidge to spare a minute to talk with her. They went outside Keith's room.

"Pidge, why did you keep Keith's ankáthiardiá a secret? Do you know how dangerous it is?!" she asked. "Unrequited love is one thing, but ankáthiardiá is out of human range!" she cried out. "Not even Altean technology can stop this... this _horrendous_ disease."

"W-what? How did you find out?" Pidge asked, trying to assimilate what Allura was saying.

"Surveillance, and records," Allura told her, regaining control of her emotions. "Pidge, what has Keith told you?" she questioned further.

She wouldn't let anyone else die, not if there was something she could about it.

"Nothing!" Pidge lied.

And Allura knew.

"Pidge! Take it as an order! Who's killing Keith?"

"No one is killing me, Allura."

Keith's voice was cold and unsettling, like an echo long forgotten. 

Both girls turned in his direction. He looked better, he had regained some color and was clear of sweat, he even looked angry and sassy. 

* * *

_Aldan's corpse was pale, and he was buried with the flowers he had meant to give to Allura. There was a card, addressed to her, and Aldan's mother gave it to her without hesitation._  

> _My Dearest Allura,_
> 
> _Please, do not blame yourself for this, for I know you and you will choose to believe it was your lack of love that will end my life._ _I wanted to tell you it's not. This disease is nothing because my love for you may be the root of this but it is also what is curing me, helping get through this pain._
> 
> _My cause, my antidote. This changes nothing. Having a life loving you was a gift from the God's._
> 
> _Even in death, I choose to love you._

_Allura kept the card under her pillow so she could feel close to Aldan when she went to sleep._

_After Daibazaal was destroyed and Zarkon declared war, she never saw the letter again._

* * *

"Whoever is doing this to you─"

"Don't!" Keith yelled. "I'm the one doing this to myself! It was my fault! No one told me to fall in love with─" Keith cut himself off. Trying to diverge the attention he just looked at Allura. "I'll be fine. It's none of your business."

"No, you won't!" Allura said on the brink of tears. "This will kill you! I've seen it before."

"No, no, let's not jump to conclusions! There must be a cure or something!" interrupted Pidge.

"There isn't a cure for this!" Allura yelled, pointing at Keith. 

"And? What's your point?" Keith asked, as nonchalant as always.

"You are going to die!" She replied back, fighting the urge to slap the earthling's face.

"We all die one die Allura, get over it. You can just find a new pilot for Red," Keith snorted.

In his head, he heard Red's furious roar.

_Chill girl, I was joking._

They both knew Keith was lying. 

"Allura, calm down," said Pidge, reaching out to dry the altean's tears. "You said you've seen it, do you have any clues on how to stop it?"

"Only if your love is returned..." She said, sinking her face into her hands, sobbing harder. "But it doesn't work that way. You may think you love someone enough to save them but in the end, it is never enough. It's deadly and there is no cure."

Pidge's expression lightened up.

"Keith! You just gotta confess! If you get a  _yes_ you'll be healed!"

"NO!"

Both teens turned at Allura.

"I-If you are r-rejected... you will only... it will kill you."

"I'm dying anyway," Keith replied.

"Faster. If you tell him today, tomorrow you'll probably be dead."

"WAit," Keith yelped. "How did you know it's a man and not a woman?" he asked confused.

"Keith, you are gayer than any alien I've ever met."

That night, neither of them got any sleep.

 _If I tell Shiro how I feel it will kill me_ , Keith thought, _or it may save me_. He rolled to his side, the sudden urge to throw up making him rush to the bathroom. He stared at the pair of red roses and how they floated in an 'X' and he could only think of the throbbing pain in his chest and what would his tombstone say.

 _Aldan, is this my chance to redeem myself for killing you?_ The came along with waves of guilt. Aldan's eyes and the way the light in them had died when Allura had rejected him, the same sad and broken eyes her friend had had since she met him. If it was true that the eyes were the gate for one's soul, Allura was worried about where had Keith's soul ran away, or why did Keith push it away. She couldn't sit back and ignore the fact that the disease she refused to believe existent was about to take another loved one. She made her way to the bridge, staring at the stars in her sleep robe and dress. _Ioh, Zalk, Sylo, if you are still here with me, help me help Keith._ She stared at the stars as the ship advanced. _Alysasyad, please do not let Keith share your destiny,_ she begged her ancestor. 

Pidge couldn't sleep, she was overthinking if the pain in her chest was because she was worried she'd lose Keith or if her feelings had gone out of control. She turned and tossed in her bed, trying to find a meaning to the ache until she coughed a single white petal. She swallowed hard, she knew hanahaki wasn't contagious, it was only a matter of time. It had taken years for Keith's symptoms to manifest, but for her, it had been only a few months. She stared at the flower between her fingers, trying to calculate how long she had left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ I crave the validation, okay? ](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)  
>  Okay I know this chapter is short but it was really hard to write so please don't yell at me.


	4. Finding Refuge In My Own Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  Katie 'Pidge' Holt doesn't need a man by her side. Except she wishes for the most stupid man in the galaxy (statistically confirmed) to feel the same way she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOOOOO You have to check this https://www.instagram.com/p/BifSLmGnBUY/ AND https://www.instagram.com/p/Bi6SI9UHs1z/ this one out because it's beautiful and the artist is amazing!

She didn't need him. Her name was Katie 'Pidge' Holt and she needed no one. Except that was only a thought because she craved his love like flowers crave sunlight. Besides, he was a jerk and he only cared about himself, his looks and having pretty girls' attention. Especially that last one, which she hated because of three great reasons, she was fifteen and going through puberty which made her a) look like a potato bag, b) her body and hormonal changes loved messing with her mood and giving her acne, and c) Lance liked pretty girl who where all face and no brain. And she would never be more face than brains ─it was her role! She was the team's brain and proud of it, she had never cared for beauty and makeup like other girls. She never had the chance to care about her physical aspects, she had been a nerd ever since she was born daughter of a space investigator and urged into science by her instincts, constantly finding more encouragement as her brother also joined the Galaxy Garrison, her aspirations growing until they reached the stars.  And when she did, she found some joy in the jerk of a pilot that was with them. She was in the most important team on the entire galaxy (an understatement) along with a dude with attention issues. She had been stripped away from her chance to grow up as a normal nerdy yet cute girl the moment she was decided to sneak into the Garrison as a guy, so she did her best to be a cute little boy who pretended that he wasn't head over heels for the worst pilot in the entire history of pilots.

 _Okay maybe not the worst_ , she thought, _but he was awful at first and didn't even listen to me or Hunk! He didn't care about his crew back in the simulator, the stupid son of─_

"Hey Pidge, Allura 's assembling a reunion at the bridge, ya coming?" Speak of the devil. "Woah!" he said with amazement as he stared at the paper─more like pieces of that had been shredded by Pidge, "What did this sheet did to you?" He said cupping her hands, taking the paper away.

_Idiot, learn to knock._

"Hey, Give me that!" she demanded, snatching away most of the remains and throwing them into the trash can. 

"Okay, I'm beginning to think the paper sheet did nothing wrong," he mocked with a grin. "What's troubling ya?"

Pidge kicked him in the shin, not so lightly, making him whine in pain.

"Okay, okay, having a bad day I see," he said, jumping on his feet as he hugged his shin against his chest. "Is it that time of the month?"

She kicked the back of his knee, making him lose balance and facepalm the floor with the grace of an awfully done paper plane.

Pidge stepped aside and didn't bother glancing over her shoulder to see if he was following her, it didn't matter, they would meet at the bridge after all. 

Pidge was the second one to arrive, only to see Shiro's anxiety at it's prime and a stressed-out Allura doing her best to calm him down while Coran nervously played with his mustache and kept saying that things would get back in order like a bunch of swebbers following a buublergot.

"Shiro, I need you to stay focused, you are this team's leader and..."

"No, no, no, you're the leader," he replied shaking his head erratically.

"Shiro, are you aware of your position as the head of voltron─"

"That doesn't make me the leader, you're the leader, you're older. Wait no, Coran is the leader because he must be like 10,060 years old and─"

"Hey! I'm in my early 50's!" Coran added.

"Technically I'm a six-year-old and who would put a six-year-old in charge of this team? Not me, and I am saying this even though I'm six. You're the leader, you have experience with galra stuff like fighting and war and Zarkon and who knows maybe I am the leader but that doesn't mean I am meant to be the leader─"

"Uh, what's off with, you know, Shiro?" Hunk asked her, a grimace of confusion and I-can't-believe-this-is-actual-reality. "Are we in another universe in which Shiro is, uh, unable to actually get a grip?" he looked dead serious.

If she weren't worried about Shiro's behavior as well, she would have laughed.

"What the f─ Did someone give Shiro coffee made with Red Bull?" asked Lance, taken aback by the scene.

Then he gently slapped Pidge's arm.

"Payback," he said before she could even glare at him.

She turned away so Lance wouldn't catch a glimpse of her smile. Which meant she was smiling at Hunk.

"Uh, Pidge, we have a problem here if you haven't noticed," he said in a monotone voice while pointing at their leader, whose grip on his white bang was so tight the trio could have sworn he was trying to rip it off."

"I can't do this Allura I just can't, I can't anymore─"

"Is he having a mid-life crisis?" she asked.

"Pidge, he's in his twenties," answered Hunk, as always the voice of reason.

"Yeah but we never know when we'll die so maybe he'll die at his 40's and it is indeed a mid-life crisis," added Lance.

"Bro, shut up," said Hunk. "Just. Shut. Up," He said before Lance even had a chance to say another stupidity.

"ALSO, I'M ONLY SIX AND  OH MY GOD THAT MEANS THAT IF THIS IS A MID-LIFE CRISIS I'LL DIE WHEN I AM TWELVE I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BE LEGAL. NOT THAT IT MATTERS BECAUSE WE'RE IN SPACE AND I'M NOT SURE IF YOU GUYS HAVE AN AGE WHEN YOU BECOME CITIZENS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ALIENS YOU ARE THE LEADER AND─"

"Did Coran just dope Shiro?" Hunk asked with disbelief.

"Yup," said Lance.

"Pretty sure it was for the greater good," she added positively while shrugging.

They walked towards Allura, who was rubbing her temples and counting to ten in altean.

"Hey, where's Keith anyways? Making fun of his mullet would definitely ease the mood," Lance pointed out.

"He is not coming," Allura said. "That's why we are here. We need to find a provisional pilot for the Red Lion."

"WHAT?!" yelled both Hunk and Lance, jaws almost on the floor.

"So Shiro wanted to take the chance and pilot the red lion instead of the black lion?" Pidge asked, putting the pieces together.

"Yes, he experienced some sort of short-circuiting when I told him we needed someone else to pilot the red lion. At first, he went crazy about why Keith wasn't going to be part of the team and then he just," Allura made a pause and sighed. "I don't know if humans can crash like machines, but he surely did that and assumed I would pilot the black lion," she explained kindly. "So we will have to make some changes to our team's structure."

"Okay, but shouldn't you pilot the red lion? The three of us already have our lions."

Allura sighed sadly.

"I tried, and so did Coran. The Red Lion did not answer to any of us. That's why I said we would be making some changes, Red will hopefully choose one of you and then the Lion that's left should be tried by the rest until we manage to make five paladins work without Keith."

"But he's just sick, he'll be back in no time. He's a stubborn quiznack, I'm pretty sure his pure rage will get him back on his feet in a few days."

Both Allura and Pidge gulped.

"We can't wait those days, the universe needs saving, " said Allura nervously.

"You can't heal out of pure rage, Lance," Pidge said bitterly.

So Allura was already trying to fill in for Keith's eventual death? Pidge wanted to tell her to go and perform unholy acts on herself but bit back her comments. She was right if Keith didn't make it through they would need a new pilot for red otherwise, Voltron would be useless. She bit the inside of her cheek.

"I call dibs on trying red first!" Lance yelped in excitement. 

Pidge would have strangled him, but it wasn't his fault, he didn't know Keith was dying and the red lion was in fact pretty amazing. Still... how could he? It was a bit heartless to just ask to fill in someone's absence without asking any further or caring for his teammate's health.

"Pidge goes second," Hunk announced.

"Hey, who said I wanted to?" she turned to him, pouting.

"I call the opposite of dibs on being the second one!"

"Hunk!"

"Sorry Pidge, but opposite dibs are opposite dibs and are meant to be respected the way dibs are dibs," explained Lance, more seriously than he should have.

"I'm not even sure what _dibs_ means!" she protested.

_Seriously?_

"Pidge, please," Allura begged.

"Fine," she muttered, brow furrowed. 

* * *

Still not sure what  _dibs_ meant, she was glad Lance had called it on trying the red lion for she immediately accepted Lance.

Lance stepped down of the lion's jaw with a smirk and stood in front of Pidge, holding his hand in the air.

"We-are-arms high-five!" he said.

Pidge didn't move.

"I might end up being Blue's pilot, you know?" she deadpanned since he had clearly forgotten the blue lion also needed a pilot.

"Well uh, then... right side high-five?" he asked nervously.

"Green is the left arm and I'm not gonna give her up. AND IF YOU MAKE A _NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP_ JOKE I'LL KICK YOU!."

Pidge turned back and followed Allura to the Blue Lions hangar. 

* * *

"Okay, my dudes, who's gonna treat my lady like the queen she is?" Lance said patting Blue's leg.

"Oh! I want to go first!" said an enthusiastic Coran, wearing a... what? it almost looked like a homemade paladin armor with a picnic blanket as a cape.

Pidge sighed, her chest aching.

She discretely walked away, no more fucks to give and no intention to give Green up. 

Once she reached Green's hangar, she let her back hit Green's paw, trying to put her arms against her leg. 

"What do I do?" she asked, not entirely to herself, not entirely to her lion.

She could feel how Green tried to calm her down, she could almost hear her voice saying ' _you need to calm down if you want to find a solution. Clear your mind to find your answers'_.

"What if I die before I can find Matt or my dad?" she whispered.

 _'Stay strong my girl, you have to believe in your own strength. I believe in you, you believe in me; it's your turn to believe in yourself. Don't underestimate yourself'_.

 Pidge wanted to scream.

Green was just trying to help but she couldn't, Pidge felt powerless, ruined, screwed by life. 

Why, out of all the types of love, has she fallen in love with him? Couldn't she had loved him like a brother? As a friend, as her family... Anything but the person you picture yourself growing older and forming a family. Why did she love him to the point flowers threatened her life? Because she had done her research and lost hope that maybe it was a bit contagious and she had caught it since she spent a lot of time watching over Keith, but no, it was not contagious. Feelings are not contagious at all, love is a disease everyone undergoes, but not like this. Love shouldn't be this painful, she was too young to pay the price for falling in love, it was wrecking her mind and crushing her heart.

When her mother got married, her bouquet had been composed of white lilacs and white roses with one red camellia in the center. White lilacs for purity and innocence. White lilacs filling her lungs, were they there to try an ease her pain and end her agony?   Or was their intention to mock her feelings? She couldn't believe she was stupid enough to fall for him and his stupid green, his idiotic eyes that weren't even the blue he claimed, they looked like metal or glass, not _hot ocean blue._  What did she find in him?

What? Maybe if she found the answer to that question things would go back to normal and she wouldn't need to struggle to breathe again. But she was frozen in reality, trapped in a maze of emotions and questions, drowning in thoughts and daydreaming nightmares─she didn't want any of it. She wanted to get rid of it.

"She hates me!" she overheard a voice, barely a whisper to her.

"Well, let's say you don't make it challenging," replied Allura, voice muffled by the distance between them.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you are, indeed, obnoxious."

"No, I'm not."

"Since the moment I met you all you have done is get on my nerves and I am a patient woman taught to keep calm under almost every possible scenario and if given the chance, I would not hesitate to cut your tongue off."

"OKAY, you don't mean that."

Pidge giggled, hiding her grin against the metal. She could picture Allura's deadly glare and Lance's panicked grimace. 

"Let's say I'm a bit... extravagant," he said warily. "But I don't believe I ever did something to offend her."

"Your existence is an offense," Pidge muttered.

"Let's pretend I believe you, for a moment. What have you done in order to gain her favor?"

"What?"

"If you expect her to be kind and caring with you, maybe you should consider being more attentive with her to make up for your annoyance. Wait, let's not make that exclusive for Pidge, try to be less annoying with everyone."

 "C'mon princess, I'm a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e, not annoying."

"..."

"..."

"Go. Talk. To. hER!."

She could hear how Lance ran off to god knows where steps quick and rushed. She didn't expect Allura to slowly emerge from the hall, an apologetic smile on her face.

"Pidge, fancy seeing you here," she greeted her.

"I'm the green paladin; this is the green lion's hangar," she retorted in a cutting tone.

Allura stayed quiet for a moment.

"Lance is looking for you," she said kindly.

"And?"

"Maybe you should consider going to see him... "

"Why on earth would I do that?"

"He would like to have a word with you."

"His problem."

Pidge could have sworn that if they were on earth, Allura would make the five of them pay her anger-management therapy since the paladins were clearly a pain in her ass. 

"Pidge, I do not need any more trouble within this team so if you could sort this out─"

"WHAT FOR?!" She yelled, standing up. "HE IS A JERK AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT UP WITH HIS CRAP! JUST LET ME BE."

"ENOUGH! I have been patient with you but you leave me no choice, this is an order Pidge, go talk to Lance."

"No."

"Do not defy me," Allura warned, voice as hard as concrete.

Pidge squinted.

"Or what?" she said mockingly, a bitter smirk on her lips, eyes widening with surprise and regret as Allura pulled her arm and dragged her to Lance's room no matter how hard she tried to resist.

Allura locked her inside his room. She didn't even know these doors could be locked by Allura's command.

 _I don't even have a tablet with me to hack this lock,_  she thought with anger. _Maybe I can..._

The door opened and Allura threw Lance in. Quite literally. Lance hit the wall upside down and slowly slid into the ground, groaning when his head hit the floor and legs twisted oddly.

"Figure your shit out," were Allura's last words before she locked the door again.

"Is it me or is Allura starting to act like Keith?"

"It's you," she cut.

"Okay Pidge, we definitely need to talk. What's up with you? These last few days since Keith hasn't gotten out of bed you've been a little... on edge."

"I'm worried about him, that's it."

Lance pouted and looked away, facing the wall. "I see."

Pidge kept quiet, trying to overwrite the door's lock.

"You like him, don't you?" Lance's voice was severely cold and serious, it made her freeze on the spot and widen her eyes.

"I don't." She quickly got back to typing into the panel, she needed to get out _now_. She didn't like where this conversation was headed.

"Then why have you been so mad about everything?" he demanded an explanation rather than asking for one.

_Because my friend is dying and at this rate, I'll probably share his fate._

"Don't tell me you don't have a thing for him! You have been spending more hours in his room than doing your nerdy color coding stuff for months."

"I worry about him. That's all there is to know."

Lance surprised her when he grabbed her by the collar of her shirt, spinning her around and looking her in the eye.

She gulped. They were too close.

"I'm not that stupid, you like that jerk, don't you?" he gritted his teeth and Pidge could have sworn she saw hints of jealousy in his eyes.

"He is not my type of jerk," she replied with a small, sarcastic grin.

"Yeah right," he scoffed, letting her go and sitting on his bed. "Just hurry and color code that things like the nerd you are; just so you can leave me alone."

Now she was the one who gritted her teeth. 

"You know, I do more stuff than color coding algorithms!" she exploded.

"Don't use words you know I don't understand!"

"Yeah, I forgot that you don't know any word with more than two syllables, idiot!"

"Don't call me an idiot, not everyone lacks a life and surrounds themselves with fake friends that are metal-made!"

Now he had pushed all her buttons.

"AT LEAST ROBOTS DON'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE WORTHLESS TRASH! YOU ARE A SELFISH JERK THAT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE AND I AM DONE PUTTING UP WITH YOU! I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A PAIN IN MY CHEST AND A HEADACHE AND HONESTLY? I WISH I HADN'T MET YOU! THAT WAY I WOULD STILL HAVE MY INNER PEACE AND MY LIFE IN CONTROL!"

Pidge had to bite back the tears that threatened to form in her eyes.

Lance stood there, a serious expression on his face as he processed everything she had told him.

"Sorry," he said after a minute of awkward silence. "I never wanted you to feel worthless. You are amazing beyond compare and a special, talented girl and I am happy you are in my life, even if you hate me. Sorry if I have ever done something that hurt your feelings. And even if you stop caring about me, I will always care about you, Katie." Oh no, he just didn't use her real name. She didn't know she had an Achille's heel until her name escaped his lips. "I won't bother you anymore, I won't be a pain in your ass and─"

"Chest."

Lance looked at her, confused.

"A pain in my chest," she admitted in a whisper.

He nodded. "I won't be a pain in your chest our a headache anymore. I will leave you alone if it makes you feel better, but before I do that there is something else I want to apologize for."

Pidge waited, eyes locked on the ground, knowing that if she looked at him in the eye and saw the sincerity in his words she would be damned.

"I'm sorry I tried to get rid of my feelings for you. I have been doing it ever since I realized I was in love with you because I didn't know how to deal with it so I thought that maybe if I filled my life with more girls, I would fall out of love. But that didn't happen so I avoided you and my feelings. And I'm sorry because you deserve to know you are loved."

It had been two months, three weeks, four days, ten hours, seventeen minutes and twelve seconds since Pidge breathed with ease, not a single hint of pain in her chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Could you?? please??? consider being my friend??? please??? ](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)  
>  What's the worst thing I could say? I'm sorry. Really. It was never my intention to make such an unexpected pause on this but I had a hard time and an awful depressive episode  >< I'm sorry guys, I'll promise I'll do my best to update steadily from now on
> 
>  I'm just here to add some fluff and water my plance because honestly ??? writing so much angst is emotionally draining


	5. Am I Only Living To Survive?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A N G S T  
> But let's be honest, what else did you expect?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS WHILE READING https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZrddJPGp1I

His entire body felt numb, but he guessed he couldn't really be angry about it given that he had spent almost a month in bed; possibly more than a month if he swallowed his pride. So he gave a half-hearted smile when he stood up on his own─ _his own_ meaning leaning on the wall but hey, he was on his feet nevertheless. He tried to make his way to the bathroom, wishing to get rid of all the blood on his face, dried and fresh, reminding him of all his stained shirts and blankets. He had never felt so weak in his entire life, not after the Trials of Marmora, not after any battle or training session, not even when he lost _him_ , no, he was weaker than ever, weaker than the boy who had shyly walked into the Garrison with no idea of how to survive without his dad. As soon as he tried to give a step, he fell to his knees and elbows, his strength no longer being there for him to hold his head high.

Another wave of pain overtook his senses, making him bite his lower lip to refrain from screaming in agony. His chest felt like it was going to explode, he could barely breathe; gasping and doing his best to remain conscious, he didn't want to be found unconscious on the floor again. Tears welled in his eyes and he wasn't sure if it was due to the pain, his feeling of impotence or just the lack of oxygen. The room was choking him.

He rolled over to his back, eyeing the blurred ceiling. Why was he still alive? Was the disease not supposed to take his pain away along with his life? How did he survive until know? He wasn't even living, just surviving and agonizing, drowning in self-pity and loathing the very moment he had fallen in love with the stars he could never reach even if he built a stair intertwining the thorn-filled stems of the roses he kept throwing up. 

He remembered when he was five and his dad was scolding him for burning his own fingertips out of curiosity, intrigued by the fire. _Life is a battlefield, Keith,_ he had told him. _You have to defend yourself, not attack yourself. Remember what you fight for._

But those words were useless now. He was so confused, he couldn't even tell if he was still fighting or if he had given up. If he was fighting, what for? Lance had already taken his place as the right hand of Voltron and Allura became the blue paladin. He was no longer necessary in this war. And he knew he had no defenses or weapons to fight his own weaknesses and keep fighting for what once was a happy memory. Soon he would be a memory. Dead men don't fight wars, most of them die in them. His demons were tearing every single coherent thought apart.

Doing his best, he rolled to his stomach and crawled towards the bathroom, using all of his force to lift himself from the ground and look at himself in the mirror. 

When people don't like their reflections, they usually complain about their noses, eye color, hair, skin tones, if they had freckles or birthmarks. But Keith hated his for a whole new reason. His reflection was something he was not, his reflection was bleeding and bright red stained his cheeks and chin, nose and jawline dripping with it; blood was for the living. Keith was a ghost with a heart beating slower as seconds passed. The shattered mirror showed flesh and gritted teeth, messy hair that was once so lively he had a mullet. He was dust and shadow, merely a memory if he was lucky.

Did death enjoy watching him suffer, struggling to live another day? What if he never reunited with his dad, they had distanced themselves since Keith was twelve. And if he never met his mom was not a problem, he didn't want someone else to pity him, or worst, feel shame of him. Of being the mother of such a weak creature. He was tired and he wanted to rest, he wanted to give up and wanted Allura and Pidge to stop telling him he would be fine. He didn't want to be okay, he wanted to give up and stop fighting. They looked at him as if they understood but they didn't. His pain was far worse than the guilt Allura confessed to him or the hints of ache Pidge had told him. Both of them were strong enough to carry on, just like he used to be.

And now he understood where the expression _fall in love_  came from. Love pulls you down, it drowns you and sucks you into a never-ending game of pretending and faking, it starts your decay and makes you trip on your own feet, deteriorating your mind and causing catharsis to break loose against yourself. Love will never raise you up, you can pretend love is making you be the best version of yourself but everything is a lie, a mirage in the middle of the desert trying to convince you to try and get that water. 

Relying on his new best friend, the wall, Keith managed to get out of his bloodstained shirt and put on a clean one to match his demarcated frame and weak demeanor. No personality, no person at all. 

The pain was torture, standing up was masochism and breathing steadily a luxury he couldn't afford. He collapsed on his bed, not caring about the thorns of the roses piercing his skin, they were piercing his insides anyways, what's a little pain to add to his torture? Just a joke.

His room was never neat, but now it was truly a mess. Blood and dozens of roses mocked him from the ground as he rolled on his back and let his head hit his pillow, throwing the roses to the floor so they would be sisters with the rest of them. After finding out Keith was burning the roses, Allura had stripped him of his lighter and decided she would get rid of them in a way that didn't make it even harder for him to breathe. And then Pidge mentioned how many vases filled with roses the castle had, giving it more life and a romantic mood. He didn't burst her bubble, he was extremely happy Pidge had only shown the symptoms before she found out Lance felt the same way and they started being lovely-dovey all over the place according to Allura. Cheesiest couple ever, she had told him in an effort to make him laugh, but the bitter thoughts didn't leave. He was happy Pidge didn't have to go through the same he was experiencing but he was also a bit jealous. Lance loved her with the same intensity she loved him, something he would never have. 

Shiro would never be more than a friend to him, at this point of the race he wasn't sure he could still call him his best friend since it had been months since he last saw him. When Shiro told him he was being a nuisance. But things would be okay because he would pass away and the rest of the team wouldn't have to worry about him anymore, Shiro wouldn't have to put up with him anymore and he would probably be better off that way. And the innocent thought of his smile, calm and serene before the galra corrupted him and tainted his soul in a way no one could reverse, the memory of his shining teeth and bright eyes was enough to make him throw up at least three roses and about enough blood to give a familiar a transfusion or donate to a space hospital if aliens had O- blood. 

Even his blood was on negatives, why did he ever thought he had a future? He had been naïve and foolish, believing he could create his own fairy tale and become a hero. He was pathetic. 

He didn't realize when Allura or Pidge came in and got rid of the roses and replaced the dirty shirts with clean ones. Took the roses and put them in pretty vases to lighten up the mood. If only everyone knew those roses were the ones behind all the problem Keith's ' _sickness_ ' was causing. By now, he spent most of his time sleeping. It was less painful, even if he did throw up during his sleep and often woke up to intense and sharp ache in his chest.

He had asked to Allura and Pidge to stop trying to save him, to stop visiting him and just start forgetting him.

He sent Hunk, Coran and Lance messages telling them that the whole drama would be over soon enough and that there was no need to worry. Technically, he was not lying. It would be over soon, given the circumstances.

But he never told Shiro a thing. It would only make it more painful, metaphorically and literally. 

Which is why he was surprised when someone knocked on his door. Allura and Pidge just let themselves in, why suddenly knocking? Most of the time he was unconscious.

"Keith, are you awake?"

He swallowed, painfully.

_Oh no, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck, no. Oh fuck. Fucking no. No no, this could not be happening._

Keith stayed silent on his bed, trying to swallow down the flowers that threatened to bloom in his mouth.

"I'm coming in," Shiro announced ad Keith repeated his last thought as he quickly closed his eyes and tried to keep his breathing as steady as he could to fake being asleep. Maybe he would leave.

But life loved screwing with him.

Shiro came in and Keith could feel his soft grey eyes over his body. Do people swallow in their sleep? Keith never thought he'd need to know that. He couldn't help but hiss in pain as he kept the petals from coughing. 

"Keith? Are you alright?" Shiro asked, concern drowning his voice.

He decided to keep playing the sleeping beauty.

"Figured you's be sleeping... or unconscious, probably unconscious but I still needed to come here and talk with you," he said softly and awkwardly. "Well, I'll be the one doing the talking, and I'm not sure if you can listen. I just need to get this off my chest."

Shiro sighed and took a deep breath, taking one of Keith's hands in his and brushing his lips against Keith's knuckles. 

"I've missed you, an awful lot. This month without seeing your face, your scowls at Lance or grins when you sass someone have made me understand why Dante's ninth ring of hell is frozen. I miss you so bad it is driving me insane, and I know one of the last things I said to you were harsh and I'm sorry. If I had known you were sick I would have been there for you, because that's what best friends do, and if I can be honest with you and only you, I'm terrified. A sickness no medicine or healing pod can cure, I crashed when Allura told me there was nothing that could be done. Seriously, I just went to my room and cried for hours until I had to get a grip and form Voltron with the others. But it doesn't feel right, I mean Allura has proven to be an excellent paladin─ don't tell anyone this but she's more efficient than Lance was as the blue paladin. And there's that. It doesn't feel right having him as the right hand. You are my right hand, my partner, my partner in crime and that one friend who stays sober to take photos of all the stupid things I did drunk, my best friend and if I ever got married, my best man; Lance may be good piloting red but that where it ends. I don't like to form Voltron without you, no one can replace you. And just thinking that you're at death's brink and I can do nothing is tearing me apart. Because I have a voice in the back of my head telling me I can do something to help you, but I can't figure it out.

My biggest fear has always been being alone, you know? I never told anyone this but my family and I never got along and when I was in elementary school I had no friends, junior high was a nightmare too, and high school only got worst, I had no one to trust and talk to, I was completely lonely and desperate to feel loved. And when I got into the Garrison the only reason people hang out with me was that I was the best pilot of my generation. That made me 'popular'. But then I met this shy boy who broke my record and was scared. Someone who wore his heart in his sleeve and truly didn't wish to harm my feelings, self-esteem, ego, whatever. And we talked about the stars, the infinitesimal probabilities and what awaited beyond our eyes. And we became Iverson's worst nightmare, sneaking up to the roof, stealing food after the dining hours, breaking into the simulator, that one time we thought it was a good idea to actually pick the lock of Iverson's room and took pictures of him drooling in his sleep and forwarded them to everyone. Those were good times, and I missed them. I mean, I still do but everything was better when the only communication we had was trying to convince Matt to let me send transmissions to you and ask his sister to decode them for you. Actually, you never told me if you got the messages. Doesn't matter, after nine months of piloting all the way to Pluto's moon, the galra kidnapped us. Not that galra are all bad but Zarkon's empire fucking sucks ─otherwise why would we bother bringing it down. Anyways, it was when I was thrown into a cell when I realized I felt lonely again. I never noticed when I had stopped feeling so alone in this world until the first day I was captive when thinking of all the stupidities we did together made me smile or giggle when I was alone but not lonely. Meeting you changed my life, I had a friend, a real friend I could trust and laugh and be myself with. And even though thinking of you kept me somehow sane, it also broke me, shattered me.

When I scaped and woke up in that cabin in the desert and the first thing I saw was your worried expression I had never felt so happy and relieved. And if I had to choose someone to go on a life-changing trip across many universes it would be you. Even if you had changed and seemed rougher and reckless I still knew you, and I know that because being with you didn't make me feel lonely. And I know I changed too, but we still were a kickass duo and still the best buds on the entire universe.

And then something on you changed. I don't know what triggered it but you stopped being the person I loved and became someone else, and I could tell because I felt lonely once again. And now I'm feeling as if I were the loneliest man in the entire universe. Because you changed and then disappeared from my life, simply isolated yourself in your room without even trying to tell me what was going on. When did I lose your trust? Why didn't you tell me you were sick? And I don't care how many people surround me or are my friends, I'm lonely because you are not here. If I had the chance to have a dream come true, fuck destroying the galra empire because I'd rather have you back and tear it down bit by bit with you by my side. But I can't."

Shiro let go of Keith's hand and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. 

"Please, don't do this to yourself, don't give up. If you can't do it for you, then do it for me, please."

When Shiro left his room, Keith broke down into red flowers, blood, and  tears. 

He was surprised he could sob, given the fact he couldn't even breath properly.

Because he was Shiro's best friend and he would never be more and even if his mind was okay with having him in his life, his heart and lungs disagreed and were ready to take the happiest part of his life; because dead men don't get to feel warmth in their hearts when they are with someone they love, they don't get to be with them at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¬u¬ betcha heard the song at least once  
> [ anyways, give me love darlings. Or hate, I think I deserve both for doing this to my son. Anyways BE MY FRIEND PLEASE I'M LONELY ](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)  
> 


	6. All I Ever Thought I Was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 Sowwy not sowwy  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/2BlM00LsKY0pFKEChrQa9Y be sad with me

_Dear Shiro,_

No, that was too cheesy.

_To whomever it may concern,_

Keith scribbled that. Too formal. Why on earth did he even write that? He wasn't making a college application essay.

_Shiro,_

No, that wouldn't do. It didn't seem too cheesy either formal but also didn't feel right. He wrinkled the paper and threw it into the trashcan along with the petals he was exhaling. It had been one week since Shiro visited him and since then he couldn't breathe, his nose was useless, he inhaled as much air as he could and exhaled red petals that slowly fell to his desk, his ground, his bed. 

_Takashi,_

Keith did his best to smile, glad he had found the perfect word to start his letter. Shiro's first name. In Japan, people used to call each other by their last names and an honorific, but family and close friends, couples used their first names; everyone called him Shiro from Shirogane, but Keith was probably the only one who knew his first name. Takashi. Noble, prosperous. He had never said his name out loud and he regretted it, at this point he couldn't talk at all.

_I'm sorry, I truly am._

An apology was the first reason he was writing the letter. He had heard what Shiro told him and how he did not want to feel lonely again and there was Keith, who had held on to the thought that he could overcome this disease and was failing miserably. Shiro had asked him to keep fighting, even if he didn't do it for himself, Shiro wanted him to stay alive for  _him_. And Keith was giving up. He knew attitude had some say in his disease and as long as he had hoped, it was easier. But he was giving up, he just wanted everything to be over, at least for him. His gut twisted at the thought of someone, anyone, coming to his room for any reason and finding a corpse already drowning in flowers; his teammates mourning over him, maybe even holding some kind of funeral. He had never meant to scar his friends or hurt them, but he was done with that. He wanted to be selfish and give up. They didn't know what it was like, the pain was inhuman, he couldn't tell if it was physical, emotional or just made up. The cold sensation in his chest kept growing with every passing moment and Keith didn't want to become an ice statue thank you very much. 

_I am a coward._

He had to explain himself. If he was going to let this disease kill him and basically commit suicide the least he could do was admit he did it out of fear. Fear of continuing like this for years, oxygen deprived and the constant sting in his chest and lungs. He whined when he felt a thorn penetrate his heart, his left atrium being brutally pierced as another stem twined and enveloped his heart. He owed Shiro the reason he was abandoning him, he owed Pidge and Allura for taking care of him until now even if their efforts made no difference in the end.

_When you read this I'll be dead._

And there it was. The killer blow. He gulped, thinking of his pale and thin body finally turning even paler and for his heart to stop beating. Not that his heart was pumping to much blood; his internal bleeding also signaled the end of his life, must of his lungs, heart and surroundings veins being pierced by the thorns like the tissue and muscle in his chest, ribs, throat, and plate. Keith didn't think he could feel pain in his bones, and it was crazy that little thorn could bore holes in his bones, and the pressure the stems had as the intertwined with his bones was too much.

_My head is a mess right now, but when I think back, it's been a mess since the day I meet you._

He felt his bones compress as the roses compressed to make room for even more flowers blooming in his chest.

 _It's okay, I got used to it. Because I loved you._ _Not that I lost my love for you or something, just that, well, I'm dead._ _A dead man can't love anyone, he can only hate himself._ _I love you and my love for you keeps increasing every single second I barely breathe._

 _All these flowers are nothing but a reminder of what I never had, and you know? I don't care._ _I had you, maybe not in the way my heart demanded it, but you were always there. You made my pain bearable, my life worth living._ _I'm sorry if I gave up, but I couldn't keep pretending. I heard you, when you came into my room and asked me to keep fighting, I was not unconscious or asleep, I was pretending because I would have probably died if we held that conversation. I listened to every last word and believe me, it breaks my heart (or what's left of it) leaving you; I feel the same way, you are the one who takes away my loneliness yet sadly it brings me an unbearable pain._

_It is called Hanahaki. It made flowers bloom in my chest quite literally, fuck butterflies in your stomach, I had flowers in my chest because I love you in a way you can't love me back. AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BLAME YOURSELF. I KNEW YOU LOVED AND CARED FOR ME AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE SO FUCK MY BODY FOR THINKING IT WAS NOT ENOUGH, IT WAS ENOUGH TO KEEP ME LIVING AND HAVING A PURPOSE UNTIL TODAY. I'm giving up because I don't know how long this is going to last and the pain... I can't describe it. Sorry. Let me give up, let me go, let me stop trying, let me stop fighting, 'cause you don't know what it is like._

_I still love you. And if there's a life after this, I'll love you there too. Love is sempiternal, it doesn't have a beginning nor an ending. It is everlasting. So remember someone will always love you and watch over you, even when hope seems lost and you can't find a light, I hope my burning feelings for you light the way and burn our bridges so you don't have to look back._

He dropped before he could sing the letter, unfocused eyes blinded by the memory of the time Shiro smiled at him while he hid underneath a couch, the moment he had fallen in love, he threw up once more before everything turned black; the blood stains on the paper unnoticed, a rose falling right next to it, as if Keith had been the one that painstakingly placed it so it would look like letters did in movies. He couldn't move or feel his body. This time he knew that was it, death was whispering in his ear.

He closed his eyes and went limp on the floor, half a smile on his lips as his head hit the ground and a black ocean drowned him.

 _At last,_ he thought. 

* * *

Nine days, it had been nine days since he paid his visit to Keith and had not heard anything about him. Allura and Pidge were secretive about whatever was going on with him. And it had been months since he last saw Keith's radiant smile or cocky smirk. 

He was sitting on the bench of the training room, his eyes picturing Keith sparing with the gladiator. That had become his hideout, Hunk found himself in the kitchen, Pidge was usually programming things at the bridge and it had become Lance's habit to stay there with her, keeping her company or hugging her from behind while they both sat on the ground and she did her work. He didn't know when they became a thing but he was happy for them, they smiled more often now and fought in perfect harmony; there was a bitter taste in that thought, he and Keith used to be best than them. But now Keith was in bed for God knew when and the we-are-arms team put their memory to shame. Coran was always doing something _Coranic_ or giving Hunk a hand while Allura took care of Keith since she was _'the most experienced'_ and she also spent most of her time bonding with the Blue Lion.

The alarm never went off, but Shiro heard Lance and Pidge yelling. Quickly he rushed out of the training room and ran towards the sound.

Pidge's eyes were big white plates widened in terror with her lips parted as she whines and Shiro could have sworn that if Lance wasn't behind her holding her waist, she would have fallen to her knees. Lance looked worried and astonished. 

Shiro gulped, not sure if he wanted to see what was going on inside Keith's room. As fast as lighting, Allura appeared in the corridor and pressed a hand in Pidge's shoulder as she gasped and called for Coran and Hunk. Shiro took a deep breath and gave a step forward when Allura entered the room and emerged carrying Keith bridal style, rushing to the healing pods' room, Pidge, Lance, Hunk and Coran quick to follow. Shiro stayed still, processing what was going on.

Keith's thin figure being picked up from the ground and his clothes soaked in blood.

Everyone running to the healing room.

This was bad news.

It took Shiro an extra second to follow the others and rush to the healing room, where he found that Allura had settled Keith on a table that looked pretty much like a surgeon's table with some tools next to it and a lamp shining over him, various things that seemed like electrocardioscopes in his chest and the sides of his neck, a needle deep in his left arm. 

Allura was busy displaying Keith's vitals on a panel, instructing the rest what to do.

Shiro couldn't grasp a word of what she was saying, he's eyes numb as his best friend laid on a metal table at death's disposal.

"Pidge, take over the controls!" Allura yelled as she rushed towards Keith and grabbed a syringe, sticking it over Keith's heart and pressing the piston in a quick motion.

"Someone should give him CPR!" yelled Lance as he pressed his hands over Keith's chest, but both Allura and Pidge yelled 'no' before Pidge displayed the hologram of Keith's current conditions. "Holy fuck, how did he get flowers on his chest? Wait, are those thorns piercing his veins and heart?" Lance said terrified, removing his hands like he had touched a burning pot. "Don't you guys have a defibrillator or something?" he asked, his eyes searching the room. 

"I don't know what is that but Pidge, press the button with the sings that look like three diamonds and a spiral, that will give him an electric shock and should be able to restart his heart!" said Coran as he put on his glasses and, since when did Coran use glasses?

"That's a defibrillator," said Hunk as he pushed the button before Pidge could locate it. "Anyone here has any experience on how to perform a surgery?"

"It looks like if we are able to extract the roots from his lungs we could remove the flowers and cauterize the veins and tissue where the thorns are impaling his, the problem would be his trachea, it would have to be a delicate procedure and I don't know if we have the time!" explained Coran as he put on what looked like altean latex gloves.

"Does anyone know where to cut?!" asked Lance distressed.

"I do," said Allura as she grabbed the same gloves as Coran and put on a mask.

No one questioned her, but Coran was quick to answer their unspoken inquire.

"Every member of the royal family and servants are trained with high medical procedures, the princess and I can handle this. Hunk and Pidge, check vitals, Lance, we'll need you to get us the tools, hopefully you can identify them. I had never seen ankáthiardiá with my own eyes so I can't assure this surgery will be successful, what about you princess?"

Allura swallowed, "Seen it, never found out if there was a cure. But this is worth giving it a shot."

No one had noticed Shiro's presence until he fell to his knees, sobbing.

"What in the world is going on?" he whispered, sight blurred by tears.

"Hunk, get him out of here, I'll take over," said Pidge, adjusting her glasses with a serious expression.

And it wasn't until Hunk tried to get him out of the room when Shiro came back to himself.

"WHAT'S GOING ON! KEITH? KEITH, ANSWER ME! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME. LET GO I NEED TO HELP HIM,' he yelled incoherently with a panicked expression as everything drowned on him.

Keith was dying a few feet away from him. 

And he couldn't fight back when Hunk dragged him away, his legs were weak. Then Hunk disappeared into the room and Shiro leaned his forehead against the locked door, banging his fists against the door, begging to be let in, to hold Keith's hand one last time.

All he could hear was the rest of the team yelling.

"Pidge, what's the status on his pulmonary artery?" yelled Allura.

"Lance! The klunverg!" demanded Coran.

"What?"

"The bistoury Lance," explained Pidge.

"I have the boiling water!" said Hunk.

"Okay, I admit it, you cradled me in your arms! But don't you dare leave us jerk!"

"Keith if you die I'll kill you!" threatened Pidge.

The room went silent.

"He is not responding..."

"His heartbeat banished..."

"He didn't make it..."

Pidge was sobbing.

"The healing pods! Quickly, get him inside!" yelled Lance.

"That won't cure him, Lance," said Allura with a defeated tone.

"It might buy us some time if we freeze him like you were frozen for ten thousand years!"

"He is right! Let's give him another shock, get his heartbeat going and freeze him."

"Pidge, double the electric charge and when I saw three," said Allura, deadly serious.

"One," said Hunk.

"Two," said Pidge, her voice trembling.

"Three!" yelled Allura.

Keith let out a shocked scream and then the sound of a healing pod opening made Shiro's bones go cold.

Everyone emerged from the room with tired swallowed eyes.

* * *

_Ankáthiardiá_

Keith.

All he could think of was Keith.

Screaming.

Allura trying to calm him down.

Coran and Hunk taking him away.

Pidge crying while Lance held her tight in his arms.

Keith.

That one freshman who had broken his record and had been awkward when he first met Shiro.

A tear rolled down his face.

He had apologized.

"I didn't mean to break your record! I'm sorry!"

The first time he saw him smile.

"My dad sent me a knife! The note says it was my mom's."

The first goodbye.

"Don't get lost on your way to Kerberos, idiot!"

Having him back.

Keith but not his Keith.

But still Keith.

Roughned by the loss and pain, surrounded by walls, but still a dork that laughed when Shiro pretended to remove his own thumb. 

Almost losing him.

Keith saving him.

Keith being Keith.

Keith.

Frozen in a healing pod.

Pale and expressionless.

"Shiro, we found this in Keith's room," said Allura with an obvious knot in her throat. "I am assuming you are Takashi," she explained as he held a folded piece of paper and a rose in her hand.

_Takashi._

"What is it?"

"A letter."

Shiro took the paper in his hands and saw the contents of the letter without taking in a single word and then glued his eyes to Keith's shirtless body inside the healing pod. 

"Allura, mind giving me a minute here?" he asked, doing his best to avoid breaking to tears again.

"Of course," she said, lowering her head. "We will be having an old altean ceremony at the bridge in a few minutes, we will wait for you."

"Thank you, princess."

She placed a hand on his shoulder and it felt wrong, but he was to numb to move.

"If you need someone to talk to... I may not be your best friend or your acquaintance for years but I'm here, in case you need to talk."

"Okay."

As soon as Allura left the room, Shiro did nothing.

He laid his eyes on the letter on his hands, taking in every word Keith had written for him.

_Don't blame yourself._

But it had been Shiro who never loved him back in the same way Keith did. He didn't love him enough and now it was too late. Maybe Keith was not dead, but he wasn't alive either. His memory haunted him like a ghost, the voice in the back of his head trying to convince him he had not killed Keith, the unfadable smile that Shiro had engraved on his mind. 

He thought most of his life he was lonely.

But now, he knew what raw and utter loneliness felt like.

The void in his chest.

The knot in his guts.

The need to scream.

Feeling like drowning.

Not being able to breathe.

Just like Keith hadn't been able to because of him.

Loosing himself into the past, refusing to live his reality and embracing what had been, what he wished still was. But it wasn't and the fault was his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [insert iCarly scene with Austin Bulter's song for his grandma]  
>   
> Keep on hoping grandma  
> lol there's one chapter left, right? chillax dudes  
> one chapter to go, which I'll post on the 18 so it matches the first chapter's date!


	7. Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >:3

` _Takashi,_ `

` I'm sorry, I truly am.  I am a coward.  When you read this I'll be dead.  My head is a mess right now, but when I think back, it's been a mess since the day I meet you. `

`It's okay, I got used to it. Because I loved you. Not that I lost my love for you or something, just that, well, I'm dead. A dead man can't love anyone, he can only hate himself.  I love you and my love for you keeps increasing every single second I barely breathe.`

`All these flowers are nothing but a reminder of what I never had, and you know? I don't care.  I had you, maybe not in the way my heart demanded it, but you were always there. You made my pain bearable, my life worth living.  I'm sorry if I gave up, but I couldn't keep pretending. I heard you, when you came into my room and asked me to keep fighting, I was not unconscious or asleep, I was pretending because I would have probably died if we held that conversation. I listened to every last word and believe me, it breaks my heart (or what's left of it) leaving you; I feel the same way, you are the one who takes away my loneliness yet sadly it brings me an unbearable pain.`

`It is called Hanahaki. It made flowers bloom in my chest quite literally, fuck butterflies in your stomach, I had flowers in my chest because I love you in a way you can't love me back. AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BLAME YOURSELF. I KNEW YOU LOVED AND CARED FOR ME AND THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE SO FUCK MY BODY FOR THINKING IT WAS NOT ENOUGH, IT WAS ENOUGH TO KEEP ME LIVING AND HAVING A PURPOSE UNTIL TODAY. I'm giving up because I don't know how long this is going to last and the pain... I can't describe it. Sorry. Let me give up, let me go, let me stop trying, let me stop fighting, 'cause you don't know what it is like.`

`I still love you. And if there's a life after this, I'll love you there too. Love is sempiternal, it doesn't have a beginning nor an ending. It is everlasting. So remember someone will always love you and watch over you, even when hope seems lost and you can't find a light, I hope my burning feelings for you light the way and burn our bridges so you don't have to look back.`

* * *

`` Not in a million years did Keith expect to wake up. The last thing he knew was that he had received a painfully strong shock in his chest and thrown into a healing pod, whispers of how they planned on freezing him until they could find a way to save his life.

But he didn't want his life to be saved.

Once they ( _they_ being curious Hunk) had asked Allura and Coran what did it feel like being frozen inside the pods and they replied it was like being asleep, they were not conscious and had no thought train, it was like being comatose. And maybe, just maybe he didn't make it and he did die. 

Keith opened his eyes to find a dark sky with shining stars above him. It felt as if he was floating in warm water or as if he was laid in a cloud, his head clearing and resting on a comfortable pillow. He was breathing. And damn his entire life, he felt at ease. The pain in his chest was completely gone, he could breathe like a newborn baby, taking deep inhales and exhaling through his mouth; he did not care to bother finding out what was going on, he was not going to fight this. So he laid there, hand reaching to the sky above him as if he could touch the stars and place them so they formed the figures he pleased, to his surprise, he could. A bunny, a turtle, a hippopotamus, his knife, Pidge, Lance, Hunk, Allura, Coran, even his dad, dogs cats and flowers. He didn't know how long he had been there and didn't care. It was easy and pleasant.

He did not add  _him_. He was at peace and he was not going to risk the easing sensation of being able to breathe again, no more internal bleeding, no more physical pain. Nor psychological or emotional pain. He had found his inner peace in death and was happy with it. 

He had never been a religious person, he didn't believe in an aftermath or heaven or hell, but he didn't question anything. He felt at peace alone, floating on an endless sea of stars and creating his own constellations. 

He wasn't alone.

He felt a presence there, somewhere in his own heaven.

"...Mom?" he whispered, not moving.

When the presence denied being his mom he jolted up, standing for the first time. He knew that bond.

"Red?"

The lioness was right in front of him resting her head on the surface, eyes glowing, allowing Keith to see through her eyes. He saw his own body being frozen just like he remembered but somehow, Red had managed to save his conscience in some sort of spiritual plane. 

"Why?" he asked weekly, at the brink of tears.

Red didn't want him to die despite what he thought.

Keith fell to his knees as the lion disappeared.

He was alive. And alive and alone. 

* * *

Shiro was not okay, Black could tell that from the very first moment he had gotten into his pilot sit. His mind was unfocused and there was an unexplainable ache in his heart, everything was fading in his mind, leaving just a body of flesh and blood that could as well be made of metals. Where was her paladin's humanity? She let it slip the first time, the second one but the third time was the droop that poured the glass. Shiro was empty, utterly and completely hollow, no emotions or feelings, unable to feel any sort of pain after or during the battles, no more satisfaction when they freed a planet. Only hints of guilt and regret.

Black was not known for being a patient lion, she needed a leader with a clear mind and a strong sense of leadership. So if she could send Shiro to the astral plane so he could get over with whatever was bothering him; she could feel someone's presence there and it was related to her paladin's guilty. She could handle fighting by herself for a few minutes.

Shiro's head ached, he was confused. Upon him, a black sky, black floor, stars shining above. In the middle of everything a figure laying on his back, floating. He recognized that unkempt hair from the first moment.

_"Keith?"_

He sat and turned around. Keith remained silent, but his eyes were warm and there was almost a smile on his lips. 

_"Don't."_

Shiro swallowed and looked down.

_"Don't."_

_"I─This is my fault─"_

_"Don't. It was all in me."_

_"Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"Shiro, even if I did tell you, what could have been done?"  
_

_"I─ Maybe I─"_

_"Don't. Stop it now. Nothing happened back then and nothing can help now."_

The silence was so tense it could cut Shiro's throat. 

_"You should go back."_

_"Keith I'm so sorry."_

_"I don't want your apology nor your pity. You should go back, things could go wrong and they need you to pilot black."_

_"Technically I'm sitting on the pilot's sit._ _"_

_"Uh."_

_"Black brought me for some reason."_

_Keith laughed._

_"Stop wasting your and black's time on a dead man."_

_"You are not dead."_

_"I will be."_

_"We'll find a way to save you."_

_"Yeah sure. Why are you here?"_

_"To ask you something."_

_"The answer is probably no."_

_"It's more of an open question."_

_"Whatever."_

_"Why did you give up?"_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, this is now part of a series, this is the end of part one, part two is on its way and it's almost pure fluff, part three with only two chapters lot's of heavy angst and hallucinations, while part four is a bit...  
>   
> t w i s t e d  
> [ Be my friend I'm lonely ](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> [ Hail Bats and Send Asks ](https://paladorksinlove.tumblr.com)   
> 


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